Aloha Sailor
What’s this all about then? What do Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Ireland, the United Kingdom and the United States and even Norway have in common? That’s right - they don’t have identity cards! Our boys didn’t lay down their lives so that Bam Bam could introduce a totalitarian system that even Maggie Thatcher failed to make stick in the capital-obsessed, self-serving, over-regulated UK of the 80s. As Emperor Airhead famously said, "the government that governs best, governs least". This is the thin end of the police-state wedge. Sign-up already has orderly lines such as you might observe behind the bellwether in one of Zeal Zucker’s gigantic antipodean slaughterhouses, and over the coming weeks you can expect Bam Bam to introduce the subcutaneous injection of microprocessors linked to a supporting database incorporating your identification number, full name & address, age, birth date, face, hand & iris measurements, fingerprints, profession, religion, ethnic & racial classification, dietary restrictions, citizenship status, criminal & barfine record, sexual preferences and membership of other subversive hashes.
Right, that’s got that off my chest.
Arriving at the unusual A-site, in the lee of hare Fini the Faggot’s Ghentish compatriot’s house, I am reminded by King Yao Yao, that cornucopia of esoteric Americana, that today is the 48th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor – an act doubtless provoked by the irritating misspelling of “harbour”. Our military consultant, Sir Spaghetti Head, confirms this. What is little known about the modest and unassuming Spag is that he was a fighter pilot serving there at the time. Responding to the first wave of aircraft and midget submarine attacks, he bravely took to the skies and downed several Zeroes before one of his wings was shot to ribbons. Following an incredible series of daredevil aerial manoeuvres, he somehow manages to land his flaming and stuttering plane on the tiny deck of a carrier below. Leaping out of the cockpit, overalls ablaze and somewhat full of himself, he rips off his goggles and shouts “How about that boys? Did you see that?” The waiting admiral replies “Velly good Amellican flyer”.
But I digress. GM Seaman Stains eventually calls us to form a circle, a redundant request for many judging by the waistlines, and hares Fini the Faggot and Absolutely No Fucking Idea give a brief briefing, including a cattle warning. But the cattle are nowhere to be seen; one suspects they are already warming nicely on Sir Chicken Fucker’s grill. Or, more sinisterly, are his newly-sourced burgers actually the remains of the vanished Chicken Legs?
I amble off with Charlie Manson, my fellow line-of-sight route optimiser (we never shortcut), until he inexplicably condenses and morphs into Really Sadistic Bastard in a dark gully. The impending eye operation I keep Chickening out of now seems worthwhile. General Kidney Wiper, who is something of an optical snob, tells me it will change my wife. I should get the ears done at the same time.
Those of us no longer in our prime – that includes you Sheik Meme, so face up to it – are grateful for a forty-minute run through scrub & eucalyptus which never seems to stray more than a kilometre from the A-site. Good run boys – “quintessential” some pretentious old geezer said – matched by the particularly tasty fruit.
Anyway, back to our vaguely Dec 7th 1941 related theme. A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That was Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
We’ll continue with this in a minute, but first – the Circle. Humble apologies, but I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time on the ice, and consequently can’t remember much about the Circle. Notes are for wimps (unless of course ostentatiously scrawled on beer cartons by the Emperor himself – phew, that was close). I sort of recall Bottomless Pit & Hellboy being iced for being gay Germans, and Big Nosed Bastard for nasal intercourse. There’s an interlude while I’m sharing the ice with Robbing Bastard whom I learn is both articulate and clumsy.
To avoid his haemarroids coming into contact with the ice in the bucket, Ball Ringer does an extraordinarily good impression of a plank. But then he normally does that anyway. The real bucket expert is the splendidly-named Back Door Explorer who spends most of the evening in the thing. Then there’s the equally memorable Can You Eat It? who, being a tundra-dwelling Upper American, is not averse to a little cooling of her nether regions.
What’s with Sheik Meme’s black garter? If he’s trying to emulate Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge, he’s not making a very good job of it. She had hair for a start. On the other hand, he’s funnier than Nicole Kidman, so we can forgive him for naming someone Mashed Potato when we already have one. Or, I wonder, was he deliberately trying to sabotage Bam Bam’s New Order?
Important milestones are Bengt Potato’s 100th and Bottomless Pit’s 350th runs. And of course Sir Chicken Fucker’s 64th planetary rotation, which he serenades nicely.
Anyway, back to those guys in the cockpit. There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.
"Why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.
"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"
Boom Boom & ON ON!
Ringworm
(A note from The Editor.)
Ringworm can affect the skin anywhere on your body (tinea corporis), scalp (tinea capitis), feet (tinea pedis, or athlete's foot), groin area (tinea cruris, or jock itch) or nails. Often Ringworm is found in several places at once.
Ringworm most often affects children, but can affect people of all ages. It is a very common skin disorder, and is very contagious. It can be passed by direct skin to skin contact, or thru contact with contaminated items such as a brush, hat, towel, unwashed clothing, pool or shower surface. Ringworm can also be caught from an infected dog or cat.
Conclusion:
Ringworm should be given a wide berth, and kept away from children.