I'd missed the previous Monday run due to hashing duties on tour with Lone Wolf in Vietnam and was looking forward to saying hello to friends I'd missed bumping into around town.
The hash bus was as prompt and reliable as ever unlike the trains between Paris and London and although there may have been some remnants of snow on the roof, the only condensation was between those lucky cracks thighs, eagerly anticipating a privileged hashing sensation with the Pattaya studs.
There was a distinct Christmas theme as you might imagine with the ubiquitous Santa hats and new PH3 tree. To that you could add the special best-ever low calorie mulled wine put on by the hares and the emotional sonorous rendering of O Tannenbaum (not O Taliban!) by them and the rest of us proud Germans.
As an added treat, the hares also provided an iced-lolly stop, only marred by the fact that the serving girls were told to put there tops back on and behave.
While I've been away and resulting from the knock on effect of the troubled Dubai economy, Sheik Meme has now reportedly been transformed into Cheap Meme, though we eagerly await the official renaming.
Tommy 2 Lips, having kept up a long-standing tradition by missing the last run was a non-runner along with Miserable Cunt. Tommy can't run due to incorrect wiring and MC didn't want to interrupt the momentum with which he is acquiring excess weight. Tommy did however keep most of us out of the bucket all night due to his his own preoccupation of flopping into it with much aplomb.
ET was back too sporting the latest Burmese hair style or lack of it. Being sent to see headmaster over there must be a greater threat to those kids than in most schools and probably warrants counseling.
Hellboy is always worth a mention. His haring combination with Bottomless Pit in Santa outfit was likened by the Emperor to Father Christmas meets the Mummy. He was swathed in bandages and bruised about the head after being run over by a stray dog, which was trying to steal his motorbike. Pattaya does have its hazards!
Then there was the crack in the black leggings with the interesting pudendum. She attracted the attention of Pattaya's most eligible bachelors Cheap Meme and Chicken Fucker amongst others. Rumour had it that she was a lawyer and doubly useful to Meme, though at a push he would be happy with any old cleaner so long as he got free passage.
The girl in the leggings reminded me of a recent hashevent I had witnessed at Mijas in Spain, where the cracks Shaggy, Streaky, Golden Shower and otherslined up for a camel toe competition. Did Flakey pick up this sort of thing in Pattaya?
As we are approaching the celebration of his birthday, it wasn't surprising to see Jesus present. He not only walks on water, but also wins his money back in the raffle and spends most of his time sat on the ice. Maybe he was also trying to undo satan's work by burning the PH3, as the bush suddenly caught fire in biblical fashion in close proximity to parked cars. Seaman Swallow did her best to calm the concerned circle by assuring their owners that the insurance was sure to pay out and that she was leaving hers where it was. In any event Seaman Stains would cover the cost of her new wheels! I needed to remind people that, while I might fight fires back in the UK, I am definitely off-duty in Pattaya and my services in an advisory capacity may incur financial costs. The burning theme was continued by Chicken Fucker, who suggested that he was a descendant of Pontius Pilate and would see Jesus burnt at the stake in Boystown, wherever that is.
Emperor Airhead shared the amusing story of Tommy 2 Lips at his local supermarket stocking up on dog food to feed his pet whilst he was away and at the same time cramming shed loads of condoms into the same basket. The girl on the till was somewhat bemused by this confusing combination.
General Kidney Wiper was also the butt of some humorous stories, one of which involved shopping for tanks on Soi 6. Well, where else would a general go to buy his tanks? He did however leave with one or two katoeys stuck in his tracks! Another story involved a tin of orange paint and how difficult it can be to find your house when you are colour-blind and don't know what colour it was painted!
All in all it was another enjoyable run away from the hustle and bustle of the craziest place on earth. Much of this credit should go to the hares for setting a great run.
The fun didn't stop there and carried on a short distance away at Hellboy's Titty Twister bar, where tabasco-laced bolognese sauce complimented the pasta, beer and good company - just how I like it! It might have helped catering arrangements somewhat if hashers had made their intentions clearer when asked, as extra food had to be provided at short notice to satisfy our swollen numbers.
We thank Hellboy for making us welcome and should remember that our hash bars are a privilege we should not abuse. They are the life blood of the Pattaya Hash and envy of other hashes around the world.On On
No More Cum.