RUN 1352 COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS THE
“SAVE THE PLANET RUN”
What’s going on nowadays with the PH3?
I think they are trying to reduce their carbon footprint…
Firstly, the run had so little paper laid out that no one completed it.
The paper was more like “Ticker Tape”… “Save the Trees”.
No chips after the run… “Save the Plastic”.
No watermelon… “Save the Fruit”.
The run was so short that no one even broke into a sweat… “Save the Soap”. Next thing we’ll try to convince the Norwegians to stop eating whales and using their blubber as KY… “Save the Whale” !!!
The run is not really worth mentioning as the virgin hare, “Colonel Cornhole” had both legs bandaged after falling through a drainage hole before even starting to lay “Ticker Tape” on the morning of the run. He did it alone after a bad week where he lost his overseas pension, his Thai girlfriend and then his last bit of dignity on the ice….. under those circumstances, not a bad effort for a Norwegian!
The best that can be said of the run was that we were never out of sight of the beer truck except when lost trying to find microscopic traces of paper in dense forest.
“Lone Wolf” said that in military terms it could only be described as a “C.M.F.” or “Complete Military Fuckup”… Personally, I think that’s a little harsh considering the week the poor bastard had just had.
The hare was duly and appropriately iced by “Airhead”.
In keeping with the “Save the Planet” theme of the day, “Airhead” suggested that the required post run chips must have been “sent to Haiti” as part of some international relief effort.
The scribe wins the first drawn prize of the raffle… chooses the “Mystery Box” which included bucket time that could be accepted or given away. Apparently (according to last week’s Hash Sheet) all Australian’s are “cunts” so the Scribe promptly gives away the bucket time to one of his oldest and dearest friends, his sponsor on the hash and drinking buddy. As the first drawn prize, the poor bastard “K.A.M.” spent the entire raffle feeling his balls shrivel up to the size of a couple of peanuts …… “Better him than me”! “Airhead” then moves on to “torture a Norwegian slimeball”… quote/unquote. This bloke’s wife was away baking bread or something and it was time for him to be named. Apparently, he spends more time in Soi 6 than just about any married bloke in Pattaya and is known by the ladies up there by his preferred alias of “Torpedo”. Then begins the very democratic process of naming this bloke. “Airhead” writes down suggestions from the circle and requests levels of support for the options written down on a recycled beer carton. “Airhead” must have thought to continue today’s theme by making this section “Save the Beer Carton”!!! Various options available to us were “Tiny Torpedo”, “Tiny Anal Torpedo”, “Tiny Anal Double Entry Torpedo”. Rear Gunner suggests “Tiny Anal Double Entry Twisted Torpedo”. After much deliberation and democratic process, the sicko is finally named “Tiny Anal Torpedo”.
Then to the formalities… the GM deals with Returnees, Leavers, Virgins and Anniversaries. The highlight was “Spag Head” achieving 550 Runs… Congratulations “Spag”… now get a life!
Then to the Aussies on the ice. The Scribe was last to move after disposing of the clipboard, so ended up in the bucket. In the “Land of Karma” one could say that was appropriate after having put his best mate “KAM” in the bucket during the raffle. We were then sung to by “Redcoat” in a personally written song. It was hilarious and very clever at “taking the piss” out of us all. Just as well we don’t take ourselves too seriously with every nationality on the planet queuing up to sink the boot into us and our beautiful country.
Then to the infamous “Sheik Me Me” to run the circle. This man is a champion at embellishing the truth and giving us all a great laugh. He proceeded to ice “Hellboy” and telling all the standard Nazi jokes that we have all grown to know and love. He then moves onto “French Frog” icing him as a lying leaver. Another Aussie, “Rear Gunner” gets his turn too and we are told he went to the Doctor…. The Doctor says, “You really have to stop wanking”. “Rear Gunner” protests but the Doctor says… “No, I’m serious… I’m trying to examine you!” Then “Me Me” ices the GM “Seaman Stains” in a private circle where the GM threatens to put “Me Me” in the bucket….. Needless to say he wasn’t on the ice for much longer! In the midst of all of this the Brewmaster “Bottomless Pit” approaches me to say “Hey Kangaroo, I want you to scribe zat I am zee best Brewmaster on any Hash in zee whole world.” My response is that if he gets the Scribe another beer then I will write whatever he fucking wants…. He promptly returns with an opened and icey cold Tiger!!! “Golden Dildo” then proceeded to the bucket… probably because “Me Me” just felt like it. “Me Me” you are the Master! A few more typically distasteful jokes from the Master before handing over to everybody’s mate “Chicken Fucker”.
“Chicken” then picks out his favourite hash girl “Strawberry Flavoured Condom” for some attention. “Hellboy” then fires up his Harley and fucks off in style, making a noise that makes a nuclear explosion sound like a quiet fart! I DIGRESS… Now we are all behind “Strawberry Flavoured Condom” (which to be honest is her best angle) as “Chicken Fucker” awards her the title of “Best arse on the PH3”. “Chicken” parades her beautiful bum around the circle then brings her Aussie boyfriend “Piss Poorer” in for a “Down Down”. Before getting a drink for his girlfriend having too good an arse, “Piss Poorer” offers the circle a pinch of it for 50 Baht per head. He never misses an opportunity to turn a profit!
A pommy virgin bloke called “Andy Starr” was quizzed on changing his name by deed poll. Apparently his name had been “Andy Cockerill” so he thought changing it to “Andy Starr” was preferable to changing it to “Andy Cock”. Having a look at him: to be honest, he looks much more like a “Cock” than a “Starr”…. Last time I saw a head like that a Rabbi was working on it!
“Blue Nose” was then iced and asked how his Hash name came about. I suggested, it was a better alternative than “Brown Nose”. We then found out that his Thai girlfriend had left him and ended up with a 75 year old Farang and that they now have a one year old kid. What a pack of losers those two blokes are. She is the winner and if she ever turns up on the Hash, her name should be “Gold Nose”.
“Chicken Fucker” then turns his attention to “Turd Burglar”. On the ice, the Burglar reveals he leaves the key to his Condo with “Miserable Cunt” when he returns to the U.K.. He also admits to “talking with Kathoeys” but never taking them to the Condo. “Miserable Cunt” only stays at the Condo to check for stains! It is suggested that he changes the locks next time but “K.A.M.” protests that then we will all have to return our keys!
The “Beer Police” were then iced by “Chicken Fucker” but again “K.A.M.” protests that there should be “No false teeth in the circle”. They were dealt with quickly. In this process “Chicken” asks the Norwegian false toothed moron “Who are you?” He answers “Fine”. What an idiot….. Maybe that is his real name… “Fine”.
The GM concludes the circle with farming out the last 3 “down downs” to drunken volunteers.
Not finished yet…. The Hare and the Frogs are iced with “Redcoat” singing another song “Ou est le Papier?” which contained numerous references to the arses of Frenchmen.
The GM leads another wonderful, drunken version of the Hash Hymn and we depart with what’s left of the beer.
The “On On” was at “Jamesons” where lots of great food was provided and the Aussies proceeded to continue to drink even more pints of draft Tiger and Guinness.
“On On” to the TQ…… just what we needed…… NOT!!!
Thanks for a great day out yesterday.
See you next week before returning to OZ on Tuesday.
Captain Kangaroo