"Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, That this foul deed shall smell above the earth. With carrion men, groaning for burial"....Julius Caesar
"Well it was like this officer. It's a fair cop..I'll come clean and tell the whole sorry story..
I was minding me own business, you know me, when the phone rings and it is none other than HellBoy the GM of the PH3. "
"Willy I have been to Koh Chang and I feel sick and feverish. I think I may have Malaria. I not come today and you can do whatever you want.!! "
" No problem says I Lord Chicken F---r can take over for the day ".
If only it had been that simple.!!!
Upon telephoning joint GM Miserable Cunt I found the much absent joint GM to be nursing the mother of hangovers after apparently getting drunk the night before this being this weeks excuse for not going.
The other joint GM LCF had no signal on his telephone.
Still as is said at the weekly PH3 meeting " Don't worry it will be O.K."
Then I remembered who the hares were.
Colonel Cornhole who I tried to have banned from haring on the PH3 as he has been the other Hashes (not officially you understand as that is not PC and no-one has the balls to call it ban anyway but he is "not allowed to sign up for a hare date ") is today's hare.
Still he is co-haring with Arse-Holeo who despite previous history can hare a fair run so maybe the older man has taken the wannabe in hand.
Remember the words of Socrates. "Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill."
Two hours later I turned onto the "dirt road " leading to the A-Site.
50 Metres down, the road fell away literally leaving a five metre gap between a slope and the metre high access to the next part of the road.
In the middle was tapioca sand soft as a baby's bum and in large pink paint the words "Free Willy drive here".
Hilarious.
If the driver did not break his axle or sump navigating the exact 60" between the hard sand and the one metre drop in-between on the way down (Yes I measured it) the second or third car would simply sink in the sand.
Turning to Ball Ringer I said " Well Colonel Cornhole has finally achieved his objective..No-one is going to make the fucking A-Site,"
The beer truck arrives and in true Teutonic fashion takes a mighty leap at crossing the gap. One wheel trapped down the drop the drop is freed by a smoke cloud of engine acceleration and ignoring that the rap out of the gap was at least half a metre high and the front of the beer truck could be sent into orbit Bottomless Pit just avoids bankrupting a farmer before straightening up the beer truck, great driving and small wonder so much of the PH3 GDP go's on truck maintenance.!!
BellEnd decided to find another another route if not necessarily another Hash and with the cars now backing up Hashers were left with a decision as to whether to walk the kilometre to the A-Site and leave their expensive cars at the mercy of the local farmers or simply head back home.
As Colonel Cornhole turned up on his step-through to survey his latest Hash handy work a thought dawned on me that Ball Ringer has not returned.
Have they found the "hole in the wall".
Apparently yes and with CC repositioning the HHH sign we set off in trepidation along a two kilometre narrow gap between the bushes and tapioca.
Room for one car only and heaven help us if a car got stuck in the mud. The thought of access for the bus crossed my mind but it would have to wait.
With a last jackknife turn into the A-Site where a metre of bad steering saw your prized car slip ten metres into a lake the A-Site appeared.
A lovely A-Site to be sure but what with the re-positioned HHH sign as well as people simply turning back I estimated that the PH3 would be around twenty participants less than normal.
Sure enough fifty-four hardy soles finally signed up including hash hero Tadpole who only really came on the run to deliver Flipper her luscious birthday cake arranged by Sir Frog.
The bus eventually came to a halt about 500 metres from the A-Site thus depriving the riders a base for dropped bags and changing facilities.
When questioned on the chaos that Colonel Cornhole had once again caused his reply was " Ya Ya Ya but I have been up all night with my baby.!!! "
So that's all right then.
No sign of LCF so I was pinning my hopes on Spag Head or G.I.Joe who can at least take a circle.
But lo and verily both men were in Malacca down among the bad men to quote Roddy Doyle.
Squeeze My Tube takes full advantage of G.I.Joe's absence by bringing a new man along. Obviously for SMT size does not matter and what her Chelsea bedecked two foot three year old lacks in financial stability he makes up for in future potential satisfaction.
Says Clit Face "Willy get on yon mobile telephone contraption to Sir Stains and LCF for an ETA."
Either no answer or from Seaman Swallow and Sir Stains (probably lost and arguing who was to blame) and still no signal from LCF phone.
Now call me an associate member of the chosen people but I am thinking some form of major conspiracy here.
With CF leaving to update the records as is his custom Sir Free Willy is the only senior "working" member of the PH3 on the A-Site.
A circle with SFW entertaining everyone for an hour or more.
Me thinks not.
SFW assumes the mantle, hopefully temporarily, and calls the circle.
"The G.M. is sick and the rest of the mismanagement are either lost missing or pissed".
The HHH founder A.S.Gispert stated that a Grand Master should be "A just upright and free man of mature age sound judgment and strict
morals" but as we couldn't find anyone of that caliber, so for now you have me.!
Now before I go on does anyone want to be G.M. today.?."
"Nah." was the mass reply.
First off is a bollocking from SFW concerning the need for volunteers for hash jobs.
Secondly is the state of the hare line.
The hare line on the hash sheet looks like a letter sent from Colditz. Rows of black lines, Nein Nein Nein,Verboten,Verboten,Verboten.
Eighteen weeks of 2011 left and only two hare dates taken.
Not good enough people.The PH3 is a collective. The beer truck, Hash Rags, Hash Sheet and Web site and Raffle prizes A-Site and Run itself do not just happen. Volunteers make it happen. If the general opinion is that no-one wants to carry on please tell the silly bastards taking up time and effort on a weekly basis to give a hundred or so people a Monday afternoon out.
No Hares for next week 12th of September, will this be the first time in 27 years there is not a run on the PH3.? And please do not say that this cannot happen as it fucking well can and will without action and effort from someone.
Bollocking over welcome to the PH3 Run 1434..New shoes dealt with and the Hares come in to explain the run.
In 600 Hash Runs I do not think I have ever seen the entire pack walk from the A-Site. Obviously they knew what the remaining hashers later learned.
I span eventually get through to LCF and his car in the garage. Probably took there off his own back than have it towed there after today's run.!!
As no raffle tickets had been sold at sign-up I decided to offer to underwrite the cost of the raffle prizes and strapping the cash bag on to Flipper we started about selling enough tickets to cover the cost of the prizes at least.
HellBoy the G.M. (German Motherfucker) telephones to ask SFW how many people were going to the after run happy hour at Jamesons. As the estimated numbers are passed on HB states "Willy I have to go now as Jameson's are trying to get through to confirm tonight's happy hour numbers"..Remember these words readers.
As the afternoon turned to evening the nonappearance of the FRB's was causing concern.
Comments from 551 Runs Sir Dog such as "I am never coming on the PH3 again when that fucked up juvenile twat Colonel Cornhole is the hare"
And from The Ghost " Why should I waste my hard earned pension on car repairs just to satisfy that doped up idiot's infantile ego" were among the more flattering comments heard along with "Free Willy why do you not tell the PH3 mismanagement this is the reason so many people are jumping ship to the Jungle Hash. "Rats deserting a ship maybe.???
Readers please note my name is Free Willy and not Pheidippides so please do not shoot the messenger.
General Kidney Wiper remarks " Hey SFW it is 6.30 p.m. and no runners are back...Solves your circle problem doesn't it.?. " Tee Hee.
Eventually the runners drift in bedraggled and quite pissed off including a 'barking at the moon' King Yao Yao, the last sheep returning to his flock by just on 7.00.p.m.
Giving the stragglers a brief time to change SFW calls the circle and obviously immediately ices the hares.
Claiming the run to be just on 10 Kilometers based on GPS reading the Hares claims were refuted by most claiming the run was at least 2 or more kilometers longer.
A 12 kilometre run on a family hash.
Perversely it was voted a good run (told you about Arse-holeo didn't I?) just so fucking long you pair of dick-brains.
No one wants to call the raffle so SFW does the job and yes the PH3 did cover the cost of the raffle prizes and showed a profit.
Virgins and visitors dealt with (point of order people you are not a visitor if your boyfriend drags you to a Bush or Jungle Hash..come on for heavens sake get a life).
I had cajoled Sir Dog and as many others as possible to stay on the the start of the circle which credit to them all they did and amazingly the circle was started with a full attendance.
SFW even called a sitting circle as so many people were so knackered either from the run or from the drive to the A-Site. (Pssst..Don;t tell anyone you could sit as SFW has a reputation to maintain.)
However the fear of being stuck in the mud on the way out as well as the late hour was now taking its toll in the circle.
Some with kids for example I can understand but others like Seagull Shit, Mineless Cunt and Icy Davidson fucking off because the Rastafarian Marlboro had ran out, all I can say is " We know where you live.!!.".
I never thought I would raise my eyes to Jehovah and thank him for his benefaction but I did just that when I said the words "Sheik Meme your circle.". To be fair to the man he did a stonking job in very difficult circumstances and filled a gap when everyone else stood there playing pocket billiards and I have to say SMM was a hero.
Awards dealt with including Mud Cracker finally receiving his 50 Run mug accepted with thanks even though his Norwegian name had been spelt wrong..Two birthdays of the age. Liberace 62 and the one and only Flipper who I had kidded Tadpole and Olive Oil to bring a massive chocolate cake for all bedecked with candles. A couple of the remaining Hash Horrors helped Flipper extinguish the candles as at her age she needs some help with blowing. Everyone had a piece and I again thank Sir Frog and Tadpole for their efforts.
As I have known General Kidney Wiper 25 years or more as I twisted his arm to take the circle which he duly and successfully did quite rightly giving Colonel Cornhole double Hash Shit for both the A-Site approach as well as the longevity of the run.
SFW takes the circle to ice some likely suspects including Bangka Blower, Crack My Coccyx and Really Sadistic Bastard the later of whom complained that I had abused him in my last scribe report.
Therefore for today I will refrain from mentioning that RSB has 443 runs and no scribes to his credit, only two half hares and one beer police, has never donated to the raffle or ever bought a ticket, has never designed a t-shirt and despite apparently being absolutely hilarious on the Jungle Hash refuses to take the PH3 circle and while further refusing to sing the Hash Hymn demands every award and free bee on offer but bays and whines like a belligerent "joey" whenever tackled about his lack of contribution to the PH3 and is quite happy to allow the sweat and effort and toil of others provide him with a cheap night out once a week to support his alcoholism and breadline income..RSB asked me not to mention any of this and as my word is my bond I simply will simply not mention any of it. Trust Me.
Nor will I mention the PH3 aimed abuse meated by RSB's good friend Burl Ives when he attended last Monday's SSH and CMC run.
Still Burl Ives did take an hilarious circle." Seaman Stains where is my hat.?. ". No it does not lose much in the re-telling.Oh Well each to his own.
As no-one else wishes to take the circle or entertain us it is time for the hares song and guess what.?. The hares have not practiced and promptly fuck up the gay version of Bachelor Boy prompting ice punishment for both of them.
One passing shot at the non-circle activity of the cracks. The only crack to stay at the circle after the cake was eaten was Mrs Head..Tee I am very grateful. Kap Khun Kap.
General Kidney Wiper leads us off in the Hash Hymn and another PH3 Monday bights the dust.
But not quite. First we have to navigate our way back to the land of tarmac safety. My own passage would not have been so hard had it not been for three different Hashers phoning me while driving through the mud to warn me to be careful. One crack asked to speak to Flipper warning her to be careful on the way out..Excuse Mrs but Flipper is not actually driving .!!!
I waited on the tarmac for Bottomless Pit and the beer truck but then thought fuck it he would not wait for me so sloped off to the TT to visit the sick GM, give him some birthday cake and drop off the Hash Stats and Raffle money.. Miraculously HellBoy had seemingly recovered from his malaria of a few hours previous and was locked in a life or death struggle with the Die Boomsin Bar over a pool match.
I rather proudly informed the Fuehrer that maybe today Sir Free Willy had achieved a one day Hash record by acting as Rags Man, RA, Raffle Prize purchaser, Raffle salesman (with Flippers help) Raffle Master, Hash Transport, (I paid the bus driver) Hash Sheet Distributor, First Aid Hasher (fuck it I had a band aid in my car..it counts) Hash Security (Trying to stop the exodus before the circle) even at one point taking on the role of Master of Music to show the Hares how to sing their Hash song and Hash Scribe, with possibly the longest Scribe in Hash History and all on the same day..Give me the keys to the beer truck and a pair of trainers and I will bring the refreshments while haring the run.!!! The only downpoint to the evening was trying to keep the circle German as HB requested. However no-one was in the mood for raping, drinking or burning Jews today..HellBoy's retort amazingly callow was " Who Gives a Fuck.?.".
If you think it;s all over.........NO..11.30 p.m. and and Sheik Mee Mee telephones me to say that HellBoy after putting the phone down to me had forgotten to call Jameson's and tell then the PH3 were coming or how many to expect. Big Chief Wombmaster (Kim Fletcher) was not a happy bunny thus endangering the future participation of arguably the best On On bar. Maybe this proves if you want a job done then do it yourself.
"So there you have it officer.The Full Monty. As they say in court These ARE the facts Your Worship. We wait at your mercy."
If I have forgotten anyone my apologies.
Faces and Fannies I never forget but names are for tombstones.
On On
Sir Free Willy