An overcast sky, with a cool gentle breeze, welcomed today’s 61 runners back to a once very familiar, now very over grown, A-site. The short uphill walk from the bus to the signup table had a few runners beginning to sweat – weren’t you JACKAL and MISSING LINK?
During signups a low murmur was heard from many of this week’s signee’s pertaining to the missing second part from last week s hash sheet! Was it the individuals missing run statistics and/or the weekly jokes that had them in such a tizzy? It seems that when one receives “something extra” or “something for free” for so long – and then suddenly it’s missing and/or taken away people panic!
With signups completed, the GM called for all in attendance to form a circle with the last one invited to sit in the bucket. Just hearing the word “bucket” makes even the slowest individuals – like TEENY WEENY, EMPEROR AIRHEAD, and UNCLE PERVY start to run like they were Olympian track stars. With the normal formalities – virgins, visitors, and new shoes properly disposed of – the GM called today’s hares in to explain today’s run. Enter – V.V (who is on record as the individual who has hared the PH3’s largest number of runs) and SCAR’S BITCH (who is haring her first run while joining the PH3). Why she wasn’t named V.V’s Bitch for a day I’ll never know? Her, after run, circle performance surely warranted it!
The runners were told that their run would be about 50 to 65 minutes and the walkers walk would be 30 minutes. These estimates are only in effect if you listen to directions and follow paper! As such, most runners departed to the left and were on trail. But, most of the walking/talking females departed to the right and were soon off paper and were lost! Fortunately, all runners and walkers returned to the circle without and rescue missions required! During the run, the GM perched his rather large posterior on top of the truck coolers guarding the beer so the walkers and non-runners could not obtain “the nectar of the Gods” until the first real runner returned! SMELLY BASTARD although starting 10 minutes late was the first runner back! When will SEAL SUCKER, TRY-A-F--K, BARNACLE BOLLOX, JACKAL, G.I. JOE, and others realize that they cannot outrun him even with a 10 minute head start!
After the run and before the 2nd circle there were feeding frenzy’s observed around the rear of the beer truck (snack eating wet & smelly runners), the small hill in back of the beer truck (always eating, good looking Thai ladies), at the back of Horse’s Hash U-haul (Wolves that eat anything), and at Uncle Pervy’s Homemade Brew Wagon (thirsty consumers of fine wine)!
The Circle began in fashion with the hares on ice. A unanimous consensus of a “great to outstanding” run was to be heard around the circle – and thus it was! The raffle was conducted by BP assisted by SQUEEZE MY TUBE! All winners happily raced in to select their prizes! The GM started the circle off with DIRTY HARRY – in the bucket and on the ice – for not explaining to his visitors the proper procedures for hash circles (a hash shirt must be worn during the circle). Next in were the BLACK SHEEP GANG (present, past, and want to be’s). MISERABLE C was told that he could rejoin this elite group again by paying $$$$$ baht, 3 bottles of fine wine, 6 loaves of bread, and 8 kilos of different types of fresh sausage! His reply was - I’ll think it over and let you know next week!
After a very long voting, re-voting, and re-re-voting session Walasini Limhang was named: FREE ON MONDAYS!
All nationalities were independently brought in to adorn the ice during the next ten to twenty minutes. If you missed your turn on the ice this week – you were either out taking a pee, winking or wanking, talking, really drunk, or you f—ked off early! If any of those apply to you – you also missed the Hash Hymn, the Beer Truck ON-ON, and the turning out of the lights by TAMPAX!
Don’t forget the BETTY BOOP run next week! BP said no prizes but, get “Dressed Up Anyway”!
On On
Spag
NEWS FLASH!
This is news reporter “Pasta Bollocks” reporting to you from the CSX Towers, in Jag’s-soon-ville, Fl.
What has happened to my beloved mother hash??
Dateline: Pattaya, Thailand!
Strange things have been happening on the weekly PH3 recently! The GM of the PH3 announced the sale of his world famous “Titty Twister” Hash Bar for the ridiculous price of 10,000 baht, 1 case of Carlsberg Beer, and one short time! His reasoning for this quick crazy decision was: my best customer and dearest friend “Free Willy” was recently captured and incarcerated in the Bangkok Monkey House. Because of this, my staff refused to continue working if I did not immediately pay the bond money required for his release! We’re friends to the end! This is the end!
Dateline: Bangkok, Thailand. The Bangkok police have just reported that “Free Willy” (a well known slippery individual) has escaped from the Bangkok Monkey House! Police have discovered that a “daily food delivery scam” consisting of “extreme weight loss pills” enabled the convict to lose 50 kilos of body weight, in only two weeks. This enabled FW to squeeze between the bars of his cell and escape! Police are looking for a male and female who smuggled the pills into the jail while delivering food to FW. Elephant tracking person are hot on his trail! Lookout London – he’s on the way to your city and the Olympic Stadium!
News Flash: Pattaya, Walking Street! As a result of the recent “Titty Twister” selloff – bar property prices have plummeted causing another Hash Bar to close its doors! The infamous “Carousel Bar“, on Walking Street, has been sold and is now under renovation! Note: The dart, flower show, and happy hours are postponed temporally but, may become another lost fond memory of day’s gone bye!
Recently Observed!! Johnny Tra-la-la, the Hash bus driver, was seen entering the Sanitary/Trash Departments lower basement. A concealed microphone was used to record the following conversation: Johnny, you have been observed removing trash and bottles from Hash Run sites! Are you a Sanitation Department employee? If not, we will have to fine you and/or request 15% of your weekly trash takings!
Of course, he pleaded guilty! Johnny has now obtained a lawyer and will file for compensation with the PH3 committee at the next monthly meeting! He stated, “That he was the longest working member of the PH3 and that if all other workers for the PH3 are now being paid – why isn’t he!
Over the years, the PH3 has had dogs, frogs, whales, chickens, and fossils adorn the weekly hash sites! One of the recent additions to the “barn yard” is a “Horse”! I believe this horse to be an offspring of the famous talking horse “Mr. Ed”! Horse, is known for his dislike of “Pom’s”. He claims to be an Aussie but, does not have any paperwork and/nor does he know who his father is! What a sorry state of affairs! If the old RSM – Who Ate All the Pies were still here he would quickly straighten this situation out! This reporter believes that “Horse” is a Pom in disguise who cannot bring himself to face up to that fact!
Next Week! News from Bali and Indo about the misgivings of none other than: E.T., Mad Cow, Lord Lucan and Mrs. Head! Who said, “Head”? The whereabouts of Ball Ringer and Bell End! And the disappearance of Try-A-F--k!
Until next time – Pasta Bollocks!