Thirty Pieces of Silver.
This was the amount paid to Judas for being a snitcher and a betrayer.
I am getting 350 baht to rat on Hellboy and the hashers from Monday’s run. Why?
I am this week’s scribe. Although for this stipend, do not expect a “News of the World” kiss and tell scoop, but more of a “Walt Disney” fantasy!!
You might think 350 baht is too much for a fairytale, but believe me, it is not that easy.
The day after the run, it is quite difficult to remember what happened and the notes undertaken during the hash circle are a waste of time.
These notes are scrawled in a darkened, drunken state and totally undecipherable when sober the next day. Also, not knowing the hash names of everyone is a problem.
Thus I have come up with a brilliant brainwave.
I am getting pissed at the moment (10:00a.m.) and am on my second bottle of Chang. Now what I am endeavoring to do is trying to be in the same pissed mode I was in last night when I took notes, therefore I should be able to read and comprehend them.
Like all brilliant plans, “Simple in its Logic.”
Mind you, not all Hash sheets need to be clear and concise. I remember one time Stupid Kraut C*#$t was the scribe. He already had written the Hash Sheet and submitted it. But he still wanted my help to translate and smooth it out. It took us about two hours and when he went to resubmit it, they told him no, keep it, as the original made much more enjoyable reading.
So here goes.
Once upon a time, there was a far off beautiful place, known as “The Land of Leers” and in this place was a city that all desired to stay. It was known as Perverts Paradise. Although Pervs Paradise (or Pee Pee as it affectionately was known) had everything going for it, there was a certain group who desired to get away from PP for a change. So once a week they would get on the magic bus, The Black Pearl, leaving the neon, nymphomaniacs and nipple clamps behind and venture afar, for a place where they could cavort among the daisies, dandelions and the daffodils.
This week we took the magical mystery ride and arrived at the A-site where I met that trusty twosome Papier-Mache and Ding F*#@ing Dong doing the sign ups.
Asian Annihilator was responsible for this week’s escapade. Hash Hero again by stepping in at short notice.
What a frolic it was. Not so much daisies and daffodils, but more nettles, shiggy and shit.
As I was not too experienced in the ways of frolicking, I stayed with Sir Noodles Noggin and Bad Boy Jim, discussing the Big Bang Theory and whether the Higgs-Boson particle is like the G-spot and is f*#@ing impossible to find.
After a merry chase it was back to the sanctuary of the intoxication elixir truck.
After much mirth and merriment the leader of the group, Lucifer Lad decided it was time for socializing to desist and to bring the pressing matters of the circle to hand. All miscreants and travelers, who had come and gone, were given a welcoming drink.
Hug My Boob, a comely young girl, had plentiful prizes to distribute in the lottery and as usual did a grand effort.
There was a hush of expectancy as the “Font of all Knowledge,” who knows what is good and bad about PP, entered the circle. Emperor Talking Head held sway, calling Asian Annihilator into the circle. It was once again decreed that he had done a fine job, considering he stepped in late and took on the haring single handed.
This week, we did not see that young delinquent doppelganger Doh Ray Me. I have heard he is a re-incarnation of a known icon, but no. It seems there has been some side affects to the medications he has been imbibing, and now there has sprouted an exuberant, hirsute top lip. I am sure the girls of the TQ are now jealous, as many of them having been working on their moustaches for years.
Usually Lucifer Boy departs early and returns to the neon and nipple clamps, where he runs an establishment that thrusts temptation and titty-lation towards the traveling tourist. But not this week. Some new blood in the circle. Up stepped Masturbator Man.
Well done.
Then entered a handsome young Prince, in the form of Mollusk Testicles. Limericks and ditty’s a plenty forth-coming.
I thought it was a good circle. Well done all involved.
Hug My Boob tells everyone she wants to go Pee Pee, so we all agreed and got on the magic bus and took the yellow brick road to go to PP.
Where, hopefully, we all lived “Happily Ever After!!”
Well I am nicely inebriated and just to boost the brilliant brainwave I have partaken of a couple of gins (all in the name of science).
Did it work? You tell me.
On On,
That Guy with the Big Dick
P.S. Went to the hospital today to see about LASIK surgery (62,000 baht) for my eyes. Too old and will only last six months. Suggested SuperSight Surgery (200,000 baht). Guess this could be my last Hash sheet for awhile!!!