It’s Christmas 2019 and that became very apparent as soon as our baht bus pulled up at the A-site at Khao Mai Kaew. A Christmas tree had already been set up near the beer truck, festive hats were on show and there was the odd pile of reindeer shit here and there. At the sign-up, we all received a Santa hat and PH3 calendar for 2020, the first item provided by the hares and the second by the hash. By the end of the evening, these treats would be augmented by Glüwein from the hares together with a small keg of German beer and a bottle of Jägermeister brought by BAVARIAN BASTARD. What a merry time we were going to have!
The run used familiar territory, but this didn’t detract from the beauty of our surroundings or the challenge of the obstacles along our route. It was a great run, hard on the heels of a similarly beautiful trail last week. So the GM calls the hares on the ice. LIBERACE, SCAR W/2T'S and ODD JOB receive mostly praise, while others can only fault them due to sticks being half painted on the checks.
No sooner is this over with when a wasted-looking Santa stumbles into the circle. Most of us know it is EMPEROR AIRHEAD by now, but his performance later on suggests that the inebriation was simply him in character. Presents are distributed to kids and females, leaving the rest of us wondering where equality got lost. SAUSAGE HEAD took this bemusement a stage further by attempting to qualify and received time in the bucket in recognition of his efforts.
The Raffle was the next item on the agenda. Confused claimants in the form of GING GANG GOOLIES, WHORE IN THE WINDOW and LORD CHICKEN FUCKER saw either ice or the bucket, while the genuine winners included LOST CAUSE, STEPTOE, LIBERACE, NO TRUCKIN’ IDEA, REAL OLD and PAPRIKA SMILEY.
The EMPEROR follows and ices the hares in true PH3 tradition. Among other topics discussed, a note is made of the gentle nature of SCAR W/2T'S when he orders his first drink in the TQ and the complete transformation achieved by the time he orders his 7th! Once the hares have been dispensed with, the EMPEROR turns his attention to naming a fellow from the Netherlands by the name of Louis. Our background information includes a suggestion that he has in the past used Polish slave girls in his eating establishments in Germany. He must be using Tinder like me! Anyway, while he might have had hopes of something more appealing, his eventual name became YIP YIP YEAH MOTHER FUCKER. Now, who would have imagined that?
Our brewmaster VV is the loving husband we know him to be and has arranged for TWO TIME to be presented with a birthday cake. The EMPEROR conducts the formalities and also presents her with one of his now familiar wooden plaques, pronouncing her to be a PH3 Hash Hero. I couldn’t agree more.
After the GM has taken time to recognize the aforementioned generosity of BAVARIAN BASTARD, it is time for WANK-KING’S WANKER to take to the stage. VV receives his 190 hares shirt…..yes, you read that correctly, while SOUR KRAUT BONE COLLECTOR collects his 10 hares shirt.
The GM takes control once more by sitting a certain Laurie Pope on ice and his sponsor SHE’S THE BOSS in the bucket. Laurie obviously hasn’t been named yet, but has done enough hashes to know he should be wearing a hash shirt. His temporary amnesia is further rewarded by being presented with the now familiar hash shirt to wear, with the sleeves stitched up, after it has first been iced in the bucket. He eventually realizes that his attempts to put it on are futile.
We don’t yet have a Wanker of the Week, but that is soon to be corrected. We hear a story of ARSE BANDIT being involved in a RTC in a vehicle he now knows he is paying for. The crash involves a Russian male of large proportions on a motorcycle and AB gives him 1000 baht even though he is not at fault….and, foolishly, his phone number. Once he has been to get patched up the Russian now obviously wants some more of the same to cover his hospital expenses. BEETROOT HEAD, on the other hand, has borrowed WHORE IN THE WINDOW’s truck and blamed him for getting a bad back……, because the sun visor strip was too low and caused him to drive in an unnatural position. Neither of these two receives the award. Instead it is presented to MADAM SIN, who becomes the first female Wanker of the Week. I missed the reason for this.
When SCAR W/2T'S takes the circle it is time for LITTLE TOMMY 2 LIPS to sit on the ice, while WANK-KING’S WANKER is rewarded for constantly talking by accompanying him in the bucket. TOMMY has reportedly not been seen in the Pattaya area since his arrival from Oswaldtwistle some weeks ago and has spent his time touring Laos with his dubious bride-to-be. In the process, he has managed to obtain an unfamiliar tan for a diesel fitter, attributable to his generous use of ladyboy oil…he says.
Now it is my turn to strut around in the middle. I’ve made a note that GOOSEY GOOSEY GOBBLER has failed to wear his Hash Crash helmet and rectify the situation, with the said offender diverted to the bucket. On ice we find today’s hash crashes in the form of GM THE WIZARD himself and SQUEALS LIKE A PIG, fresh into town from Tokyo. SLAP acquires the hat from GGG. I finally take the opportunity to recognize some well known returners in the form of BARNACLE BOLLOCKS, LTTL, SLAP and RUDI VÖLLER.
The GM, having suffered long enough due to SCAR W/2T'S absence on the discipline front, questions his deputy for the day BEETROOT HEAD. It is concluded that no red or yellow cards have been shown and that BH himself is himself one of the more disruptive elements. He is rightly joined on the ice by PHANTOM and KNICKERLESS, the cooing love birds.
Before we wrap up, the hares’ song is performed by LORD CHICKEN FUCKER as only he can. The lyrics include 4 ladyboys, 5 moistened rings and LIBERACE up a pear tree. I ask you!
On the baht bus home, it became clear that LOVE BOAT has now hit the bottle and life is just as amazing as it always was.
Our on on bar tonight was The Buffalo Bar and we thank them for their continued support in a town where hashers don’t always realize how fortunate they are.
On-On! No More Cum