A good crowd turned out for the first run on 2023. Dirt Looney was obviously still hungover from New Year’s Eve as he had forgotten to bring both the hash camera and a pen for the scribe. Emperor Airhead must have been even more hungover as he overtook the scribe twice on the way to the run and still missed the clearly marked left hand turn to the run site.
Highlights on the run were Fuck Off sweetly (or possibly sweatily) holding the hand of his new girlfriend to shouts of “no sex on the hash” from some of the ruder or more jealous hashers and Herring Choker having to pull all the stops out to come in first after a visitor called Telecum gave him some serious competition in the closing stages of the run.
There were still no claimants for the keys from two weeks ago. Surely somebody must have missed them by now?
The GM called for Hash Crashes to fess up. Wild Wolf had fallen over within 100 yards of the bucket – obviously concentrating on that first beer rather than where his feet were heading. Fuck Off fell over presumably because he was concentrating on his new girlfriend’s anatomy instead of the terrain underfoot.
As per tradition the hares were iced. Beetroot Head seemed to have been the lead hare along with two Klingons (one a virgin hare). The run was given high marks although a few keenies would have liked a bit more length (as the girls in Beach Road say about Seal Sucker). The unanswered question is how the hares knew to warn us of snakes as a big black one was spotted in the first field by the front runners.
The Waffle was called. Lost Cause was a two time winner. YMCA found himself the only man among all the lady winners. Banana Rider nearly came in her excitement while Dragon Lady (supplier of the prizes) got to take one home.
There was a late Hash Trash call for Goosey Goosey Gobbler who had left a chair on the baht bus
Emperor Airhead iced the hares again while he made his usual courtroom style interrogation regarding the hares’ backgrounds and sexual relationships.
There was then a long story about Stupid Kraut Kunt and Oddjob. SKK managed to sit on the block of ice without falling off while we heard about Oddjob and his work as a stuntman and a 5m fall which broke 7 ribs.
Scarlet Pimpernel got a down down for a 10 month absence
It was then naming time for Franz from Switzerland who apparently had two left hands and was unable to screw – so don’t bother with him, ladies. There were some good names on offer but Spermbank was the final decision.
No More Cum had his 15 mins of fame. He called in the Jocks (Scots) represented by Tampax, Dirt Looney and Sir Really Sadistic Bastard for a Hogmanay-themed DD. The subject of kilts and what is worn underneath them was raised. The answer, girls, is nothing is worn underneath.
Paprika Smiley was iced for wearing a red dress in Brussels while No More Cum said that the only time he had worn a red dress without underwear had resulted in severe chafing.
Feel my Meat and Fuck my Puck are getting married. It is Feel My Meat’s third try at marital bliss. Good luck!
Happy Survivor was Down Downed for her excellent work in getting newcomers to the hash
The GM then introduced the new committee members who will be voted in at the AGM on Wednesday. They are (with brief biographies) as follows:
Fleece Lifter who has a penchant for sheep.
Happy Survivor who is a former brothel madam in Slovenia
Something Stupid whose claim to fame was shagging camels while in the French Foreign Legion
Mount Me a former Canadian pornstar
Shitlips who is a generally nice chap all round (I’m the scribe I can write what I like!)
Scar with 2 T’s brought in a female returnee named Apple Sauce along with GI Joe and Stupid Kraut Kunt whom he accused, probably correctly, of finding excuses to run slowly behind her on trail. Her father, Scrumpy, was put in the bucket as it was apparently he, along with the late Lord Chicken Fucker who had introduced the bucket to the hash on a day when they could not find any blocks of ice.
Wild Wolf and Shithead then both got iced. The former for returning to the bucket by motorbike and the latter for smart comments.
Fleece Lifter was accused of losing his former prowess as a front runner since getting married.
Wanker of the Week had 4 contenders:
Shithead for smart comments and wearing his underpants in the circle
Fuck Off for losing his wallet (new girlfriend eh?)
Smokey Truckey Fucky for failing to pay for his wife at the sign up
Dirt Looney for forgetting the camera
The pre-ordained winner was Shithead
Wild Wolf was bucketed for hawking his own wares to the hash while Window Wanker was congratulated for managing 50 runs over 8 years.
And so it was and the hash departed to Cocktail’s Bar or to other less salubrious places of entertainment.