Scribe Report for Pattaya H3 Run #2001
It’s the American Independence Day Run held in the traditional A site of the Thai Water Authority. The run site has been immaculately cleaned up in preparation for activities on the lake by the Thai military. This presented some challenges to the hares who managed to make good use of the available territory.
The GM called the circle to order and asked for virgin runners - Max, Apple and Lucky
Next up is a call for new shoes but there are no takers.
The hares, Emperor Airhead, Necrophilia Nightrider, Wank-Kings’s Wanker and Chuck the Fuck Up are called in. NN explains the usual run details and promises a run of about 8km and a 4km walk.
Gangrene organizes two busloads of beer hunters who could have walked to the nearest bar across the road just past the gate.
The hares are busy trying to get the ‘Weber’ bbq going and making sure there is no plastic on the hot dogs this year. They are ably assisted by Golden Rivet and Lost Cause. The usual condiments of mustard and tomato ketchup are on offer with sliced bread in lieu of buns.
The first runners make it back with Seal Sucker up the front, it’s around 8 km. The walkers return in groups depending on whether they did the dam wall or not - Pussy Galore did 4km, Max the virgin about 4.7km. An announcement is made that the food is ready and the hot dogs disappear rapidly. Pate on toast appears as well as a dessert of bananas in coconut milk.
The GM calls the second circle to order at 6.19pm.
Lost Property - a pair of sandals but no one steps forward.
Hash Crash - Seal Sucker, who’s bleeding at the knee, claims it didn’t happen on the run but gets a seat on the ice anyway. Flasher also gets a seat for being a snitch and a pipe sleeve for his down down.
The hares are called in and the GM describes them as ‘America’s Finest’. The GM is interested in the hats wore by the hares which turn out to be a version of Abraham Lincoln’s famous stovepipe hat. The GM also notes that the hot dog eating contest between Brotherly Luv and Eating Monster has been cancelled due to all the hot dogs being eaten by hashers.
Run - Runt of the Litter (Taiwan) - no hills, Nurse Ratchit - great run, Fleece Lifter - enjoyed running through the tip twice.
Walk - general consensus, nice walk between 4 and 5km.
Raffle
Lucky prize winners were Pussy Galore (Wolf Blass Merlot 2021) and a seat on the ice for bring a bum bag into the circle, Banana Rider - pasta and sauce, Apple - Singha beer and a seat on the ice for wearing a hat into the circle, Arse Van Hole - Thai Whiskey, The Great Nit – a tin of butter cookies, Titanic Dickhead - Continental sauce mixes, Lucky Stroke - bag of rice, Mount Me - laptop bag.
Sperm Polluter presented Ping Pong with his 100th run shirt.
Emperor Airhead’s Circle
All the hares from the 2000th run were put on the ice - G.I. Joe, Crap Thai, Dirt Looney, She’s The Boss. Emperor Airhead presented the GM with a star for a job well done.
GM’s Circle
Brotherly Luv and Eating Monster called in. Eating Monster very good at eating lots of food. Brotherly Luv is flying out of the country so conceded title to Eating Monster who was presented with a certificate by the GM. Brotherly Luv is convinced he would have won.
Brotherly Luv sent to the bucket revealing a fetching g-string. Hazukashii called to the ice for not wearing a hash t-shirt.
Hares on the ice. GM questioned whether Americans are as stupid as they are portrayed. Hares were asked to pick a number and answer 3 general knowledge questions about the USA with a wrong answer securing a trip to the bucket. For some reason, Wank-King’s Wanker seemed to get the more obscure questions and spent all his time in the bucket. Hazukashii corrected the GM on the answer for one question for whilst America became a country on the 4th July, 1776, the first American president George Washington took his oath of office on 30th April 1789.
Sperm Polluter’s Circle
Fuck Off called in for 100th Run shirt, it was noted that he had lots heaps of weight.
Emperor Airhead was called in for a very special moment – achieving 1600 runs with PH3, a mighty effort.
Fleece Lifter’s Circle
Where’s My Minor (entertaining a person of questionable age) and Brotherly Luv (departing to the US) were called in for a rousing “Fuck Off You C.nts”. All the other Americans were called to the ice. Shithead sang a suitable song about Yanks.
Wanker of the Week
Candidates were Dyke Finger, Crap Thai and Lucky Stroke. Crap Thai was the current holder, Lucky Stroke missed the last week’s run by showing up 30 minutes after the last baht bus left and Dyke Finger subjected a bin to merciless abuse (140kg of it). Winner - Dyke Finger.
Anyone wearing a Wild Wolf hash shirt was called into the circle with the last person going to the bucket. Shy Tiger - girlfriend of Herring Choker had just made in back into the country after some visa issues. A rousing version of ‘Hashy Birthday Fuck You’ was sung.
The GM and Sperm Polluter unfurled the 2000th PH3 Run banner which could be had by making a suitable donation to ‘Care For Kids’.
Virgins were called to the circle - Max from Leeds and Lucky, Apple had disappeared. Na Hee Man got a seat on the ice for describing Max as a sex tourist. Class Act was also called in but escaped the ice.
Hares’s Song
The hares promised a song and dance act. Emperor Airhead sang a version of the ‘One Eyed Trouser Snake’. The song was great, the dancing was crap.
Sperm Polluter called all the Americans and Ball Ringer into the circle for the ‘Final Down Down’.
‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot’ closed the night.
We adjourned back to Nicky’s Bar for beers and a tasty chicken casserole and rice.
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story,
On On, Slug