P.E.N.I.S.
(Pattaya English News Information Service)
Breaking news:
Seal Sucker comes out.
From our on the spot correspondent Hari Ette
In a dramatic moment last night at the PH3 run, Seal Sucker finally admitted his sexual preferences.
In an emotional outburst he admitted to your correspondent, in front of many witnesses, that he wanted to marry Shit Lips. It is believed this was due to Leg Over’s recent well publicized tour of Europe whereas the furthest Seal Sucker had been over the summer was to Koh Larn and that was on a hash boat trip.
Said an astonished Shit Lips, “This was a bit of a shock as I never realized he fancied me.” Leg Over was unavailable for comment.
Below: How Seal Sucker wins the hash every time.
Pre Run
Sign ins were done by Crap Thai and Mayo Queen as Mount Me was off sick (get well soon!) and YMCA was in the USA.
First circle
GM asks VV if the trail is truly flat this week after last week’s hilly run. VV promises, vraiment, that there are no hills. And he was correct.
First home was the GM on the Walkers trail with Agonnorhea and Cocktail close behind. Cocktail was suffering, she said, from a hangover and there were rumours that she had had a late night with the virgin runner. Cue for old joke about the girl who wakes up in the morning and complains that her mouth feels like the bottom of a parrot’s cage. “Ah yes,” says her friend, “You had a cockatoo in there last night”.
Seal Sucker beat Pat Pom and Herring Choker to the finish in the Runners Trail
Second Circle
Hash Crash – GI Joe – my wife pushed me (again). Leg Over – went down and into the water. Ging Gang Goolie – rolled down in the same area but missed the water.
Hash Trash – Sunglasses went to Just Because
The hares were iced while the circle gave their opinions on the run. The visitor from Colombo Hash said it was a bit “rough and adventurous” and admitted they were a bunch of pussies compared to PH3. GI Joe said it was too short. Fingerless said “What?” as he wasn’t listening and got iced as did Seal Sucker for “winning”.
Waffle
Gangreen supplied the manicure set – thanks. First three winners were all iced. Two for bringing their beers into the circle and Leg Over for being cheeky to the GM (actually he was hoping her white shorts would become transparent when wet).
Emperor Airhead iced the hares and told us they had been haring together for 24 years. Apparently Two Time was named in a series of christenings following the naming of Short Time, Long Time, Mean Time, Any Time (but no Good Time).
EA noted that Herring Choker was not singing again.
Fingerless was iced along with Dirt Looney for causing a fracas late at night after an evening’s drinking in Soi Buakhao. When asked which bar they had been in Fingerless was stumped – eventually he said “probably all of them”.
According to a straw poll around the circle there were 14 runners, 13 walkers and 7 beer hunters in the circle. As there were 76 people signed up there must be a lot of hashers who are unsure what they are.
GM brought in Happy Virgin who had brought along the virgin Joy and Cocktail who had been suspected of spending the night with the other virgin (see bad joke above). Unfortunately it was Mountain Flower who had been with said virgin not Cocktail but why let the facts get in the way of a good story?
Sperm Polluter called in Snake Bite, Cookie Monster and Pat Pom for reaching 100 runs. Then he called in Bell End who has done no fewer than 600 runs!
Fleece Lifter iced Herring Choker and Seal Sucker for bickering, “like an old married couple” over who really won the hash.
Dead Gump is back from Brazil – apparently we are not to refer to him as a Colombian Drug Mule – and Mr Bean who has spent time recently in Koh Phangan doing wacky baccy and similar aging hippy stuff.
A bunch of Thai harriettes then got iced “just because”. For the record they were Cookie Monster, Shy Tiger, Pat Pom, The Great Nit, Squeeze my Tubes and Mini Mouse.
The GM called in Dick from Dyke partly for his “prancing pony” running style but also for a crash on a lesser Hash from which he was rescued by Unstable Load who escorted him home.
Fleece Lifter then got iced for wife abuse.
Wanker of the Week had 4 strong contenders:
Herring Choker for deliberately coming third to avoid being iced
Seal Sucker for arriving at the Buffalo Bar an hour early due to the clocks being changed in New Zealand (yes, really)
Fleece Lifter for a fuck up of the A site at Saturday’s Jungle Run
Happy Virgin for too much talking and sitting down in the circle
Seal Sucker won by a mile
Two Time got iced for “shopping” on trail. She returned with two sizeable bags of stones for the garden. Funnily enough the beer truck had room for them despite VV’s usual protestations that there is no room for anything else in the truck.
Whore in the Window and Limp Dick are setting next week’s run from the same place as the hilly French run last week. The GM warned them to avoid the hills. The two hares looked a bit blank – maybe they haven’t done any recce yet?
Then it was the hare’s song (The hairs on her dicky di doe), the final down down, the hash anthem and the end of another great day in the tropics
On On Shit Lips
Seal Sucker’s guide to winning the hash every time
1) Run mid pack to Check 1. Let Herring Choker find the check as you arrive
2) Get to Check 2 and spend ages doing up your shoe laces until the On is called
3) At Check 3 choose an obviously wrong trail to check down but never go more than 20 yards from the check
4) At Check 4 chat to the GM or other committee member instead of checking
5) At the final check watch Herring Choker carefully and then check in the opposite direction. If you get the check right you have at least 300 metres start over Herring Choker and because of your actions at the earlier checks he has probably done 1-2 km more running than you.
6) Run home coolly and calmly and accept the cheers of the Walkers now that the bucket is open.