It’s the most wonderful time of the year….
Yes, its Christmas and as usual PH3 celebrated in style with run #2130 at what is now apparently the traditional Xmas hares of Sperm Polluter and Mayo Queen at what is now apparently the traditional Xmas A site, close to the 331 a few hundred meters from Soi Hua Yai. Having been at this particular A site as recently as a few weeks ago (St. Andrews Run) for a warm up for the main event, we all knew the terrain in the area consists of hills, more hills and even more fucking hills, and Mayo Queen loves to a lay a vertical trail – more of that later!
Buses, cars and motorbikes kept arriving and at the start of the first circle 120 expectant (not pregnant) hashers had arrived to discover what the day would bring. Amongst the crowd were 4 virgins (definitely not pregnant) consisting of Maxim, a rather shy and reticent young man, Tom, another bloody Belgium, and two young ladies, the youngest of which, Scarlett is the daughter of Beetroot Head and she was accompanied by Beetroot Heads girlfriend’s cousin (some sort of Aunt, twice removed or something – I am happy to be advised) Sheena. As a part of the first circle the virgins were warmly welcomed and presented with gifts (not Xmas) as is now apparently a tradition – God knows what happens when the supply of orange baseball caps and blue beer coolers is eventually depleted.
After a few more announcements the hares were called in to tell us about their run; and as hares of some experience, they were factual in the information they supplied but also duplicitous in the information that was withheld. Yes there were no cattle on trail, nor water (rarely is at altitude) but as eluded to earlier there was plenty of elevation, especially for those who elected to take on the runner’s trail. However earlier than expected, after about 70 mins, Speedo Pete was the first runner back, soon followed by all the other racists who wanted to be first back and claim responsibility for getting the beers flowing – and the party was on.
The hares had done a great job providing a superb variety of snacks, VV was bust flipping burgers on his replica 1875 BBQ and Scar was dishing out the Glogg, a Scandinavian Xmas drink, which is apparently now a PH3 tradition. Glogg was invented to warm those freezing Scandi bodies at Xmas time, a concoction of herbs and spices, cooked together (just like KFC) before copious amounts of alcohol (wine and vodka) are added along with some raisins and almonds. I believe these solids are added to enhance the enjoyment when you inadvertently spew this mixture back up, but nonetheless, the Glogg was exceptionally popular, even though the only person not to partake was another Scandi, namely Mud Cracker.
The circle is often more lively when there is additional alcohol to supplement the usual beers, and today was no exception, and despite the decoration festooned around and the presence of a large Xmas tree with working lights the spirit of goodwill to all men seemed to disappear with the falling of the sun.
The GM got through the introductory sessions, hash trash, hash crash and hares’ appraisal before the extravagant prizes for the raffle were up for grabs. Black Panther, was, as is apparently the tradition, the MC for this part of the circle and wasted no time in putting her boyfriend, Boring Wanker in the bucket for not only claiming on a wrong number but also bringing his drink into the circle. Merry Xmas to you too! Somehow, it seemed that the first half a dozen prizes were all collected by the Harriettes and surprisingly fewer than usual calls of ‘corruption’ despite the good cause to do so 😊
Emperor Airhead over saw the christening of a relative newcomer, Manfred, a previously quiet and reserved individual, but today showed glimpses of his real personality by wearing a pair of running shorts so brief that they would put Daisy Duke (you need to have watched the Dukes of Hazard) to shame. We also learned that Manfred is annoyingly very competent at a number of sporting activities; he’s a marathon runner, diver, helicopter pilot, can leap over tall buildings and once abseiled down from the moon in a mankini, but despite his considerable prowess, still feels the need to boost his masculinity with Testosterone injections. Some fairly pathetic names were suggested, including Testststseroneone Torpedo (yes I have spelt it correctly, that was how it was said), the Man from Uncle and Joe 90, but on the basis of Manfred ‘accidentally’ receiving two injections instead of one there was no competition for the name of Two Pricks. Welcome to PH3 Two Pricks.
There were a number of visitors and returners, notably Mommy and Red Rocket, both Americans currently based in North Carolina and Angola, respectively. Mommy was first to be called in by the rumbustious RA Scar, who had been referred to as Swedish, and when appraised of his error exacerbated the situation by persisting with it. Scar is Norwegian, of course and didn’t take kindly to this so Mommy ended up in the bucket and Scar ended up sitting on him. Enough of that but merry Xmas to you Mommy dearest. Scar, who demonstrated his human, sympathetic side, also made a Christmas wish come true for renaming Stupid Kraut Cunt – Rudolph the Running Reindeer in respect of SKC’s surname Rudolph and his distant and fading memories of being a good runner many decades ago. The new name was accompanied by a pair of festive antlers and a liberal helping of red lipstick around the German’s large and bulbous proboscis. Merry Xmas to you RTRR
Red Rocket, when on the ice, admitted to being attracted to Pattaya as a sex tourist, though was more reticent regarding his preferences, eventually stating that he preferred girls. (PS apparently {tho not a tradition} Red Rocket is a colloquial term for a dog’s penis in parts of Murica). Others came and went, the GM was iced for not being able to find anything interesting to say about Belgium at the previous run, and the list of boring achievements accredited to Belgium by the churlish Belgian’s simply served to strengthen his case. Belgians Beware!
Finally, it was time for the hares’ song – Mayo Queen, prudently opted out of joining in with his co hare, as Spermy put half a dozen of PH3s finest ladies on the ice and sang them a song seemingly full of instructions on how to perform a BJ to his satisfaction – I never had him down as being too fussy to be honest!
And then it was all over – the Final Down Down and hash hymn were well performed and respected but all propriety went out of the window with the scramble for a final beer for the road.
Another year draws to a close, so it’s more than time to acknowledge those in the committee and those that are not, that give their time, effort and often finances to ensure that the well-oiled machine that is Pattaya Hash House Harriers keeps on rollin’. Thank you all.
Merry Xmas from your Christmas run scribe, Burley Chassis (apparently the start of a new tradition?)