Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics.
When the Wizard waved a pen at me and said I had only scribed once this year I said "fuck off! I've done 3." Later at home I counted all my PH3 pens... only 2 left, shit! They really are shit pens! Then I checked my own PH3 log (I'm guessing you all have one?) Sure enough in the last 53 weeks I have scribed 4 of them... 2078, 2083, 2123 and yesterday's 2131. Nearly 8% of them!! And I was on suspension for 4 of them if anyone remembers that??? So if you can be arsed go back and check out my previous shite. Hit the like button and subscribe... it means fuck all to me!
Maybe the reason I didn't do many more was because the time I did 3 on the bounce Oz put me in the bucket for over-enthusiastic scribing. Make your mind up mate! 🤣🤣
Rant over. So wtf happened yesterday? My head hurts so it must've been a good one!
I started early in Buffalo Bar and had a couple of large before getting on the last bus. I sat opposite Salad Dodger to give the vehicle some kind of stability. The driver obviously had something on 'cos the ride out to the A-site only took 34 minutes. My first impression was this is a new A-site for me. I just didn't recognise it. But the fuck off great mountain behind did look familiar.
The hares, Speedo Pete and his virgin co-hare Swing Low Sweet Testicles were eager to get going as daylight is fading fast at this time of year and they had set a Monkey Run for the runners.
GM? (Is he??) called the first circle a few minutes early and wizzed through the usual announcements like a Wizard should. There were 5 virgins and 2 pairs of new shoes to christen. Beauty Leo Please spilt most of her beer as they gave her a Chang not a Leo. Then the hares came in and basically advised anyone unsure to do the walk. 5.5 km easy or 10km ball breaker. I thought about it for half a second and decided on the walk! Good choice as the walk was pretty tough too. After 1 km my eyes were stinging with sweat. After 2 km we were going up that Fuck Me Mountain! I walked with AMD until he dropped me. Shit Lips and GKW then joined me and we discussed the subject of scribing. Same old people "volunteering" every week... As the trail went up GKW skipped off into the distance and I stayed with Shit Lips for the remainder. Exactly 6 km with 1 km of elevation (or there abouts.) Herring Choker was the only runner to pass me and the beer truck was open already as 84 minutes had elapsed. The podium was completed 5 minutes later with Diarrhoea and Anal Acrobat followed by Boring Wanker who immediately started boring everyone about HC not calling On On or breaking checks again! Yawn! 😴
Great camembert French stick from VV for less than 2 quid! Cheers VV! A couple of quick Tigers and half of one of Caroline's gummies and I was ready to go. GM? called the 2nd circle at 18.20 and immediately handed over to Scar. Diarrhoea was seen sitting in the circle last week but had disappeared before Scar could ice him... result was the bucket for him this week. Back to Oz.
Hash trash: only one pair of "Mr DIY's finest sunglasses" unclaimed.
Hash Crash: shit loads! About 8 or 9 trying to squeeze on the ice so 2 got the bucket. The usual excuses were given. Mostly hot and tired legs giving way. But one of them did get snared by a rabbit trap 🤣
Hares on the ice... GM explained that the virgin hare needed a lead hare so they searched for an experienced hare to show him the ropes. Unfortunately, they couldn't find one so Speedo had to do 🤣
The comments were mostly favourable, "fantastic" from Double Well Plugged and Don't Call Me Dick. Man City nearly got iced because of his name. Beetroot Head said he thought it was gonna be tough and Glass Cow said it wasn't as good as the recent St Andrew's Day Run. Have to agree with him there as I hared it with him. 🤣
RRRRRRRAFFLE: Sexy Butterfly called the numbers this time. Lucky bastards were... first up Cadbury who didn't know the touch it keep it rule. Paprika Smiley got Sangsom, Mountain Flower got a chair, Little Sparrow got his number wrong so Oz iced him then showed he had the winning ticket. Kind of boring chosing the washing powder but he is looking good lately. Emperor got really excited and dropped everything to claim 2 bottles of booze. Then Little Sparrow did have a winning number, he took the wine and then took his seat back on the ice. 🤣 Two Time last one up for the 6 pack of beers.
Emperor Airhead's circle... hares take a seat. Gummy kicking in nicely now! Emperor explained how the tradition of the New Year run started. The Gregorian calendar was dropped in favour of the Roman one around 2000 years ago adding February and January at the start. January being named after Janus, the Roman Goddess of Anal sex. Or something like that. Always good listening to Emperor when he's high 555. Hares were praised on a good job and a cracking A-site but they forgot to put up any HHH signs so he'd had to resort to the Google Maps Bitch to find it. Oz said they only put them up for Emperor but the circle voted to continue using the signs going forward. Eating Monster got iced with TV and Salad Dodger as they had a 2 day Xmas bender at the TQ and EM was so wired, she seemed to have eaten 47,000 batteries. Her 2 bodyguards had saved her from drowning in the fake snow. 🤣 Lastly, there was a poll showing with 104 sign ups this week we really are a multinational bunch of hashers with so many countries represented.
Back to the GM and Kee Mah and Paprika Smiley were both recognised for achieving 300 runs... wow! Whinger now has 50 runs with the PH3 but it has taken her about 15 years. Well done all of you!
Scar's circle: Only 2 of the virgins were still there, Dan from US had a fantastic day and will be back. Likewise for Phillipine Sherwin who Scar asked was Beetroot his friend, family or just a customer?? 🤣 Kee Mah got iced for having ancient see-through shorts but a few girls were asked what they thought and they said "sexy man!" 🤣
Back to the GM and twitchy arse time for me. As it's the last run of the year there are a few "special" awards. Having pissed off the back of the bus not so long ago I thought I was nailed on Wanker of the Year. However, Boring Wanker has spent more time in the bucket than anyone else this year and deservedly got the prize. He'd buggered of so that should be fun next week! Other awards went to Dirt Looney our Hasher of the Year for his relentless work behind the scenes and 211 consecutive runs. Free runs in January for him! GI Joe got Clumsiest Hasher for falling down on trail most weeks. SLAP and Burley Chassis both have hared 38% of their runs this year. Well done both! Lastly, Beetroot Head volunteered as Hare Raiser for next year which gets me off the hook! Cheers mate! 👍 I missed the last bit as I needed a piss but a few visitors were welcomed back after long absences.
The hares song was inaudible and unrecognisable. I don't think the hares even knew it but it was something to do with never being able to sit with comfort and joy when you have a stiletto shoved up you're arse... I might give that a go! 🤣
The visitors, virgins and hares did the final down down and hash hymn. One for the road and back to New Plaza for more fun, food and cold piss! Great day out again thanks to all of you that keep this happening!
On On, Fat Max