Having rowed with The Wizard last run about what "in the last year" means we still have our differences. He thinks it starts on January 1st whereas I look at what's happened over the last 12 months. Unfortunately, the GM is always right even when he isn't. Hence, I volunteered to scribe again this week as I haven't scribed in the last year, even though I have... (Neither has any other c*nt by the way so put your hands up next week!)
Got the day off to a good start with brekky at The Devonshire with Kilt Lifter and the Banana Family who have been missing too long now. Welcome back anytime!! Then a sharpener at Katesiree before getting on the last bus. An entertaining 45 minute ride out to the A-site with Chuck The Fuck Up, ANFI, Kilt Lifter, Camel Toe and her partner Lee from Brunei / Leecester. Camel Toe asked me to explain the way we do checks here to Lee who she was sure would come in first. Having never broken a check before, I made some shit up for him.
A great A-site with plenty of shade and a fucking great well with a 40 foot drop at the edge of the circle. This was cordoned off with the Big 4-0 anniversary banner over it. Sadly, the land owner has said this is the last time we are welcome there. Shame!!
Seeing the list of hares I was expecting a long run. Partly because the lead hare was Beetroot Head and partly because he posted it on Strava on Saturday. 11.5 km including the walk / run split and the back checks. I was also expecting Pol Dancer to be a young Danish beauty. Imagine my surprise when I met him. 🤣🤣
First circle was pretty short, no virgins or new shoes. The usual announcements including Dirt Looney's Take Care Kids Foundation appeal. I forgot to mention last week this appeal went over the million Baht mark with an anonymous hasher generously topping it up with 11,000 Baht. Wow!!
The hares came in and the lovely Scandi-beauty Pol Dancer was topless as he gave out the instructions. 5 km walk 8 km run blah blah. Usual bullshit! And off we went until we walkers were called back to give the runners a chance to get ahead.
A good walk with plenty of water, some welcome shade and some nice scenery. But there were 2 very confusing checks where we struggled to find true trail. On the second one we looked around for 10 minutes, and then I just downloaded Beetroute Head's route and called On On.
In the last km the runners were coming through led by Lee on his first hash in Thailand and only his 4th hash ever. Proper racist bastard!! He was followed by Herring Choker, Boring Wanker and Speedo Pete. Then first lady Shy Tiger came through.
At the A-site the beers were already flowing and Beetroute was making sandwiches. He had a couple of loaves and a few bluefin tuna, but somehow he fed about 5000 of us... a fucking miracle!
Leg Over tried to sell me some raffle tickets but I said I only had 69 Baht. She said ok give me 69.... I thought it was my lucky night. 555
18:18 and it's time for the first circle. TW had a rucksack from last week's On On bar. No takers. He then opened it to reveal the star raffle prize from last week and a pair of sandals. I said the sandals were mine but he didn't believe me. So I told him they were probably Cadbury's who was the first prize winner last week. Only four hash crashes this week mostly all in the same boggy stream. I nearly went down there too!
Best bit of the day for me... Boring Wanker on the ice (before he slipped off home early again) to receive his Wanker of the Year award and his temporary new name Boring Wanker of the Year. Brilliant!!
He claimed someone was fiddling with the database but we all know the GM is always right. 🤣
Hares on the ice... and despite the confusion, everyone agreed it was a top run so well done hares! Looney summed it up nicely "best run this year!" The last time we were in this area The Wizard and his son Jizz of the Wizz had set a run which all the runners finished in half an hour. Apparently it wasn't the hares fault we all did the walk... again GM is always right!
Rrrrrraffle. Mrs Boring Wanker of the Year was back to call the numbers and the lucky bastards were... 2 Time (wine), TV (Hong Tong), Phoney Cunt (Chang), Mrs TV (Smirnoff), Swiss Knife (cookies), Stupid Kraut Cunt (mystery prize??) and Sir Really Sadistic Bastard was left with the chair. I got nothing. Not even a night with Leg Over. 😪
Emperor Airhead's circle and guess what... hares have a seat! Whore in the Window was asked is he from Netherlands or Holland as the Dutch get funny about that. He couldn't care less 555. Beetroot is definitely from England proudly bearing his St George's Day shirt and the lovely Pol Dancer is Danish but was also wearing a St George's Day shirt. Holland is famous for whores in windows and drugs. Denmark is famous for a little island called Christiana... is it? Can't remember what England is famous for. The hares were praised again for a great job and a great A-site but Emperor stressed the importance of respecting our A-sites as if we abuse them we lose them!
Next up the couple visiting from Brunei. Camel Toe has sky dived from 12000 feet since she was last here, Lee has never been iced before as they don't have ice in Brunei. He was teased with being named Camel Jockey... Wonder if we will see him again??
Returners ANFI and Stool Mover were iced. They are both here for a few months so they will be seeing more ice for sure.
Two Pricks and Titanic Dickhead were iced. 2 Pricks rang the bell at TQ recently, both times there were only two dancers on stage.🤣 TD had been at TQ too but he was accused of stalking Eating Monster home. He claims he stays across the road from her bar but I have never seen him overtake a girl on trail...
Christian from France was iced with VV and Parisian Titi as translaters but we couldn't get enough info out of him to name him this week.
Back to The Wizard. Something Stupid has a doctor's note saying he can't sit down low with his new hip so a high chair of ice was stacked up for him. He was left there a good while as the recognitions were announced. Whore in the Window has 5 hares (or did he just sponsor the food 5 times?) Miss Use Me now has 400 runs with the PH3. Congrats to you both!
Over to Scar and Salad Dodger was iced while Scar told some tales about other legends from Finland. SD reminded Scar of Skiing Fin with his two walking poles. That brought back memories of Flying Finn who would drink a bottle of vodka whilst out laying trail. Hash hero!
Two Pricks, named recently due to accidently having 2 shots of testosterone was asked why he was wearing ladies underwear. Had he been taking oestrogen too?
Lastly, a motley crew were iced for missing New Year's Eve fireworks at TQ. Another plug for Emperor's bar 🤣
Back to the GM who iced the 2 PH3 first-timers. Swiss Knife had to explain why he was wearing the Nebulous Monkey shirt. Panzer gave it to him... ice for Panzer too! He said he'd come to Pattaya for the sport. GM said you don't come from Phillipines to Pattaya to go fucking swimming! The only "sport" here is on Soi 6 🤣 Lee is in the Coldstream Guards, a quick Google gives you...
"The Coldstream Guards have a strong recent connection with Brunei, primarily through intense jungle warfare training exercises like the "Ex SUNDA PATROL," where they compete against other British Army units and international forces in jungle skills"
Maybe this explains why he came in first.
The hares were iced again as they had bribed Spermy to sing for them. I was going to join him but luckily I had a sore throat. He did the New Year Poo poem very well by himself.
As is tradition the last down downs went to those who sang the final down down and hash hymn. One for the road and 40 back to Kubla for more shenanigans.
Cheers all. ON ON Fat Max. (92 runs, 3 hares, 6 wanker of the weeks and 8 fucking scribes!!!!!!!!)
PS. Over to Shit Lips... my nomination for 2133
PPS I did shine my torch down the well after the circle, couldn't see anyone down there 🤣
----- Also -----
New Committee 2026 – GM odds.
Written by an Anonymous Tipster
Its that time of year when the new committee will soon be revealed and there is some doubt whether The Wizard will stand (again).
On the basis he really does step down here is a layman’s guide to the likely candidates for the next GM of Pattaya Hash House Harriers.
5:1 Dirt Looney –tough enough, good organizer, but sometimes crochety, difficult to understand with his accent, would need a soap box to stand on. Might keep his drinking under control during the circle – Might.
8:1 Scar with 2 T’s – Has Been (hash-speak for a person who has already done the job before). Might be a lot of bucket usage. Rather than asking can he manage the hash the question is can the hash manage with him?
10:1 Boring Wanker – popular, well known guy (as per his Wanker of the Year award for most times on the ice/in the bucket). Might need the same soap box as Dirt Looney to see the reprobates who lurk at the back of the circle talking and making rude comments. Could be hamstrung by instructions from his better half…
10:1 B.B. – a good option if only he were here more frequently. Certainly has the gift of the gab and would be able to give as good as he gets in the circle.
12:1 Something Stupid – already has two titles to his name as Rags Master and Awwwaaaards Master – would he want the ultimate title of Grand Master to put on his CV? Would it improve his chances with the ladies of the hash?
12:1 YMCA – has done the first circle before. Might keep the Dutch yakkers in line such as Whore in the Window. But does he have what it takes to manage the circle?
15:1 Lost Cause – good at her job as car park monitor, good organizer (eg hash away trip) Why not put a woman on top for a change?
15:1 Happy Survivor – well known by all. Regular hare. Plenty of support from the Slovenian contingent. We’d be guaranteed good food from She’s the Boss.
15:1 Fuck Off – ex policeman so knows how to control a crowd. Might get too enthusiastic with his truncheon when he’s stopped showing it to the girls around town.
25:1 Stupid Kraut Kunt could probably manage the circle if he could lay off the beer pre-lube at the Buffalo Bar and then the Beer Hunters. Fat chance of either of those happening hence the odds
25:1 Beetroot Head. Just ruled himself out of contention this time after volunteering to take on the Hare Raiser role. A definite option for the future.