As Monday lunchtime approached and hashers all around Pattaya began preparing themselves for the weekly extravaganza that is the PH3, the all too familiar sound of thunder resounded over the city accompanied by localised but extremely heavy down pours which would surely discourage some of the less hardy souls from attending.
But as the wonderfully sage GM explained whilst we waited for the first baht bus to depart from the Buffalo Bar, torrential rain in the city didn’t mean that it would be the same at the A site. And as in the early part of our journey we were enveloped in low dark clouds with the heavy rain coming into the bus the prospect of a dry A site seemed slim. Miraculously though as we neared the A site on Soi Phoenix, the clouds broke, the rain desisted – and the ground was dry. Add meteorology to the list of The Wizards amazing skill set.
The A site which was familiar to many of us, and memorable due the proximity of a landfill rubbish tip didn’t disappoint either, with pungent black smoke from burning of rubbish occasionally drifting close to us when the wind shifted from its normal direction. At least it kept the flies and bugs away from us for a while.
Sign-ups started, but without Crap Thai who had offered to stand in for the absent Mount Me, so yours truly sat down to assist YMCA get things going. Fortunately Crap Thai arrived on the second bus not too long after, cementing his reputation as one of the worst time keepers on the hash – he’d only missed the first bus by a few minutes, he explained lamely. That wouldn’t be the only lame excuse from Crap Thai today.
4 o’clock approached and the Wizard called for the first circle – ‘Fuck you’ was the response from several in the crowd, most notably from Stupid Kraut Kunt who rarely missed an opportunity to express his unequivocal support. There was a brief hiatus as the Wizard unsuccessfully tried to find his crib sheet (turns out for some reason Antique had hung it on the Rags rail) but undeterred he carried on with all the regular first circle items. Welcoming 3 virgins, christening a couple of pairs of new shoes and domestic announcements, but all too soon the Wizard stood aside to let the hares in and tell us about their run. Caroline, on his first hared run with PH3 gave the briefing and while he demonstrated a great presence in the circle, he could still learn a lot from The Wizard.
The run was to be a fairly long one, of about 10 km with a walk of over 5 km for those feeling less energetic – and the for the downright lazy and lame Sir Really Sadistic Bastard led the beer hunters to a local bar where they could drink whilst awaiting the return of the first runner which would signal the opening of the beer truck.
The first runner back was Sip Baht, and whilst he’s not a bad runner surprised a few by being ahead of everyone else – but to be fair several front runners were not present – but I still feel he may have discovered a short cut or two!
The hares had a spread of food laid out, which they had all paid for, and as runners and walkers returned, they were treated to a range of eastern European delicacies such as pureed artichoke and deep-fried sheep’s gonads - I didn’t try any so I relied on others to tell me about the food. Anyway, it was popular, as free food always is with the freeloading hashers, and before long it was all gone – thank you hares.
It was just getting dark as the ever-masterful GM called for the second circle and with an absence of hash crash candidates this week (it was a fairly flat trail) and only one hash trash, Tampax who left some Irish decorations behind on the St Patricks Day run it was only a minute or so before The Wizard called the hares to the ice, accompanied by the chorus of ‘ice those bastards’. Eagle eyed as ever The Wizard spotted that Caroline had poured himself a double down-down so his time on the ice was short lived as he immediately progressed to the bucket. At this point I should mention that Brotherly Love had earlier emptied about 10 litres of water from his mobile shower unit (Yeah, I know, what a melt) into the bucket which meant the normal ratio of ice to water was seriously awry as Caroline found out as he slipped into about 12 inches of freezing water rather than being able to perch upon a solid mound of cubed ice.
The hares included Crap Thai, who had been drafted in at short notice owing to two original hares withdrawing through illness and injury, (Spastic Whore king due to Covid and Fuck Off due to a sudden operation on his foot - get well soon chaps), and although he had nothing to do with laying the run, was quick to point the finger of blame for any shortcomings at the absent hares. However, the consensus of opinion was that the hares had provided a well-marked trail and of course everyone was grateful for the food too.
A rare treat followed as Emperor Airhead was with us and he took the circle to further interrogate and ultimately congratulate the hares, before a nostalgic look back to previous runs featuring a couple of old-time hashers, KAM and My Girlfriend Knows I’m Gay - with special reference to a Betty Boop run for which KAM wore a wedding dress. Fair to say that because of Covid we haven’t had a Betty Boop run for a couple of years and for those hashers that have recently joined us, the pleasure is yet to come (first week of June). EA then introduced Scar and his son Milky Way who was apparently given that name due to his penchant for big tits – chip off the old block came a call from the circle.
The raffle followed with an impressive (there was some alcohol) array of prizes and many of the usual winners, including the increasingly desperate Lost Cause who wants to win something, anything - so long as she wins something. But not even she would take the paperback books supplied by Paprika Smiley, which were once a regular feature of the raffle – because they’re so crap that whoever won them immediately gave them back to add to the following weeks raffle.
As The Wizard called for Scar to take the circle, the change in atmosphere was palpable – the level of noise dropped and those who had previously been engaged in chit chat shut up – except for 2 virgins and 2 visitors standing in a group – who clearly hadn’t done any homework and weren’t showing the appropriate levels of fear or respect for Scar. Well, that soon changed as all four were called to the ice and within seconds one of the visitors was in the bucket and ‘really’ in – he laid down and was submerged from his chin to his knees. This didn’t mean much to Scar who moments later chided him for not being sufficiently in the bucket when joined by his chatterbox mate. Smokey Trucky Fucky led a quick chorus of ‘If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands’ to ensure no levitation techniques were being employed.
Scar then called VV and Paprika Smiley to the ice to recognise them as leavers – VV for 4 weeks and PS for about 6 months, which he will spend traveling the world and attending other hashes. Probably one of the best travelled hashers you are likely to meet – but he always finds his way back to the best hash her in Pattaya, every Monday. Safe travels to you both guys.
Trainstopper who is a lesser-known hasher to many of us was next to take the icy seat, and Scar explained that he got his name after an incident when a party he was in on a train got out of hand, the police were called and the train stopped. I think he got off lightly with that name as the next story about him detailed his incessant need to bar fine as soon as he gets in a bar. Odd, he looks like a nice quiet chap.
There again was a change in atmosphere as The Wizard, who in contrast to Scar, is known for his compassion, re-took the circle. Herring Choker and Crap Thai were called to the ice to demonstrate a difference in attitudes between some hashers – maybe even between Europeans and Aussies. HC who is normally based in Sihanoukville recently tested positive for Covid and through no fault of his own ended up spending 4 weeks in quarantine and a further 8 weeks in custody, being targeted for a shake down before he could be released. Eventually a small ‘fine’ was paid and he was released – but with a 3-year exclusion from Cambodia. In the light of this he still was smiling and taking it in his stride. On the other side of the coin was CT who failed to attend a weekend hash that had already been paid for because he had a blister. Not the sort of ruggedness we would expect from a true-blue 120kg Aussie.
Anyway, next on the agenda was a christening, Herring Chokers girlfriend, who chose the name Shy Tiger, which in light of her demure, petit appearance matched with her determination when facing difficulties with HCs incarceration seems wholly appropriate. It was only at the last minute that the chosen name was made clear – she very nearly got named Shy Thai Girl, which would have been something of an oxymoron (Aussies and Yanks, look it up in a dictionary!)
In the absence of normal awards guy, Sperm Polluter, The Wizard again showed great versatility and resilience by taking over this part of the circle, though he did have to retrieve his notes from the bin where he had accidently deposited them with all the raffle tickets collected in his pockets through the corrupt running of the raffle. Shirts were provided for Mr Bean and Belle Star for completing 50 runs, Something Stupid for 5 hared runs and Caroline was welcomed as a fully fledged member of the club after completing his first hared run with us. Well done and thanks to all of you.
Scar closed off the circle by discussing injuries picked up on trail by HC and Beetroot Head but no one was really interested in their excuses….cramp, got a twinge, sweat in my eyes etc etc so to maintain consistency invited Hope, our female virgin to take a seat. She threw herself into the bucket and very nearly disappeared, being only about 4’8’’ tall. That’s going to be a wet journey home.
The hares, having had a good day to this point, dropped their high standards by not having a song prepared and Mr Bean stepped up to fill the void - mercifully the song about spitting DNA was limited to one or two verses and we were able to move on the final down-down and hash hymn. As if he hadn’t already done enough, The Wizard, tireless in his efforts, took the final down-down before Ball Ringer and Ben Ten lead the hash hymn.
Back at I Rovers a larger than expected crowd had assembled for more fun and in the midst of it all was Liberace, looking remarkably well, having recently returned from Norway having undergone some medical treatment. The Wizard soon succumbed to the pressure of the day – and a decent volume of My Beer, and became tired and emotional so had to be led home in a taxi.
It was a great day; I don’t know why I don’t come more often – maybe I will in future.
On On
Burley Chassis (wife of the wonderful Wizard)