St George, a Turkish kebab seller (as described by BORING WANKER) who had greater career aspirations and like the former colonisers England themselves, clearly loved to travel, gave us a reason to have a themed run today. So, after a hot run/walk (it’s April after all) we returned to the sanctity of the shaded A-site and traditional English fare – no not the Doner kebab or Indian curry, but that culinary favourite Bangers & Mash, well done hares (well just Milky Piss I understand) on that front. Speaking of English food that reminded me of Nigella Lawson, it would be nice to bang her and hash, well in her day.
GI JOE took the circle and iced SHIT LIPS, THE WIZARD, CRAP THAI, BEETROOT HEAD and MILKY PISS. They were sporting their bright English bowler hats, designed in England and made in China, like modern day Charlie Chaplin’s, although not quite as intelligent. Feedback was gained from the circle: DIRT LOONEY said it was hot and flat, although we think he was talking about SHY TIGER. STUPID KRAUT CUNT thought the A-site was stinky like the UK. That was only because of the excess dog meat hidden under the leaves, not required for their sausages, not as the GM said due to buried Germans. BORING WANKER said the English always do a good run, too bad they can’t do a sausage not made from a canine. HERRING CHOKER was upset that he could only smell the elephants mentioned in the first circle, they were otherwise never seen. And SCAR WITH TWO T’s complained that he didn’t get a single check right (we all know he’s never broken a check).
GM’s circle. Hash Crash and KEEP THE CHANGE (just fell) and SHY TIGER (claimed HERRING CHOKER pushed her but in truth she was checking out FLEECE LIFTER’s butt), and RUBBER TITS (went down on a vine. A vine for a change?)
Hash Trash. Nothing from today but BUBBLES being the only hare from last week’s KMK run took the rap for a paint can lid, although he did admit the charge.
Raffle. GI JOE got iced for trying to be clever (he forgot his nationality in attempting that). Raffle winners in order were DISCO DICK, BUBBLES, ARSE VAN HOLE, GI JOE, YMCA, GING GANG GOOLIES, DON’T CALL ME DICK and SERIAL KILLER
EMPEROR AIRHEAD took the circle and iced the hares. He reminisced that his main memory of St George’s day is that FREE WILLY threatened to ride a white horse into the circle many years ago, but before he could do that got arrested and spent two years in jail, which EA appreciated. EA liked the food, but thought the day was celebrating the slaying of a Welsh Dragon. The GM corrected on a point of history that when the English were giving colonial land back that they mistakenly gave back Pakistan rather than Wales. It all sounds like bullshit to me.
EA iced SERIAL KILLER and PURPLE FART. PF recently took SK to the TQ (bar on beach road) and SK was being annoying, so EA was happy when two bar girls took SK away at 2am on a bike, great he thought, peace and quiet. However, the girls called EA from Mackers saying that they were still with SK and he was still annoying what should they do? EA said its Mackers, just sneak out and leave him there. SK woke up minus 20,000 baht and couldn’t remember a thing. Sounds like his average night in Patts. But I bet those girls were happy.
PAPRIKA SMILEY was iced as he is off on his continued mission as a world hash ambassador, soon Hungary, Switzerland, blah, blah, blah. I’m sure he’s a drug courier.
CLAUDIO from Belgium was given ice time as we learn a bit about him for naming, he’s an ex-nuclear worker. His wife has about 3 massage parlours and Claudio was gloating that he gets the staff to practise their trade on him. Glowing Gobshite is my name suggestion.
GM’s circle. CLASSIC from ‘straya was iced. He first hashed with the PH3 in 1992 and today he reached his 25th run! Struth cobber, try and get up to at least one a year now that you are officially a member.
SCAR WITH TWO T’s circle. He’s off to Norway for the summer again. HELL BOY got the bucket for RA abuse. Scar regaled that his inspiration for today’s run was running behind/in front of/within RUBBER TITS. Don’t worry we won’t tell BELL STAR. STUPID KRAUT CUNT was iced for his marathon drinking abilities over Songkran, from 9am in Bang Saray until after Scar could no longer take it (and he’s used to taking it!). Scar finished up by icing the hares.
GM’s circle. LOST CAUSE, LADY SQUEEZE MY TUBE & SHIT LIPS were iced. The latter two as their cars have both recently broken down, but Lost Cause is the mechanic hash hero who fixed both cars! Sadly her record isn’t unblemished as her recommendation for a shop to fix the GM’s car resulted in its 7 month disappearance and it being returned in 150 pieces.
Wanker of the Week: SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD (incumbent), IRREGULAR PERIOD (wearing an Oktoberfest shirt on St Georges day), DIRT LOONEY (passed out drunk again in a bar), and DUCHESS TADPOLE (missed a car pickup). And the winner was – fuck knows I don’t remember – find out next week.
The 11 Corona hashers present from Angeles City, Philippines were iced. They’re a tight group – they have to be to get that many of them on 2 blocks of ice. HELL BOY had been upset that the GM couldn’t remember his name, THE WIZARD said he meets 40,000 fat cunts a month so it’s no surprise.
BEETROOT HEAD and MILKY PISS arrived in the circle in fancy dress to do a mating dance. Beetroot this evening was the give, MP the receiver. Rule 6 was violated. I wanted to vomit.
Leavers SCAR WITH TWO T’s, DISCO DICK, STOOL MOVER and PANZER FISTER were iced. See you next time.
The hares did a song. Patriotic nonsense. Printed straight off the interwebs no doubt. Most of the circle left to pee as lyrics about the greatness and glory of England were wailed. Why is it then that this motley bunch all live in the developing world? One of them can’t even decide if he’s Ozzie or a Pom.
The GM’s final revenge. He iced KILT LIFTER and STUPID KRAUT CUNT for booing and disrespect of the hares song. They were just speaking for the crowd.
SPERM POLLUTER was up country so the GM did the final down-down followed by the Hash Hymn. A number of people then went on-on-on to continue reflection of the former Empire at Kubla Bar. Another great day of hashing and no it did not reach 42 Celsius EATING MONSTER.
On On! FLEECE LIFTER