PH3 Run Report – Monday, June 17, 2024 – Run # 2051
The circle began with Seal Sucker being thrown on the ice by the GM Wizard of Oz for the Hash Trash infraction of losing his cap on last week’s event. The cap was summarily doused in ice water and planted firmly on the Kiwi’s noggin, as the 2nd Hash Trash guilty party, Happy Survivor, was iced for losing her retractable, fancy-high-falutin’ walking stick.
Meanwhile, Emperor Airhead was seen flirting ferociously with a blonde, French? Falang lady at Circle’s edge, with a classic pick-up line, “Hey, you and me baby, we’re gonna do it to The Color Purple!”
Hash Crash candidates were invited to don helmets and toilet seats while migrating to the ice, being led by Pussy Snatcher, who (though very few saw him fall on his face on the dusty trail) fell so hard and abruptly that those near him felt the seismic shock waves reverberating from his cranium, into the earth and back to vibrate under the other runners’ & walkers’ feet – quite a feat, indeed LoL! As Pussy Snatcher is hard-headed, he had no deleterious effects from his wipe-out, and all was well that ended well for him. Shithead revealed that Sir Arse-A-Holic had a double fall; before he could explain in detail, he was immediately iced for being a ‘snitch’, as no one had apparently witnessed this alleged tumble by the sober Norwegian, save for Shithead himself. He did redeem himself, however, as a Hasher through and through, by drinking his down-down with aplomb via the blue PVC elbow-locking drinking aid. Others who endured shit-house-slips on trail were Ball Ringer and Whore In The Window.
The hares (Dutchman Spastic Whore King and 2 Belgians, Mayo Queen and Street Cleaner) were finally iced and the GM determined, through intense interrogation of the hounds forming the Circle, that the overwhelming consensus was none other than an excellent run and walk. In the same interrogation, it was revealed that Sperm Polluter and Cocktail may have had a dalliance in the jungle, just off the trail. Cocktail quashed any further conjecture by verifying that SP did expose his private parts to her, whereon she quipped to him, “Your girth of your A-hole is much larger than that of your Tadger!” No surprise there…..
The Raffle brought out smiling winners amongst a very large, competitive field, for Black Panther did a ‘bang-up job’ in selling several dozen tickets. To the winners went the spoils (wine, whisky, beer, T-shirts, coffee and the best of all being a large 2-bottle set of hair shampoo and conditioner for…..Milky Piss – nice appropo choice, mate!
Emperor Airhead delivered his always entertaining, thought-provoking and positive steward spot by exiging that Black Panther, though now proven to be a great sales gal, has an obligation (just like all other hashers in the Circle) to sing the Down Down song and to drink and/or wear the proffered drink, as you like. E Airhead then brought in the hares, reminded them that they currently had no power in the Circle (while he was in charge) and in fact were mere pond scum, at present. His main query was to Spastic Whore King, who couldn’t or wouldn’t say where he got his high-heeled stiletto shoes (size 50!)…..EA graced them with praise and accolade, mentioning his appreciation of the fact that they had done a magnificent job Haring the trail today, even though they hail from Holland and Belgium, respectively. Next up were next week’s supposed live-hare duo, Seal Sucker and Herring Choker. EA pitted these 2 competitive egomaniacs at each other with a carrot-and-stick psychological approach. He painted HC as a good Samaritan (Ha!) and SS as a soul who would throw empty beer cans into your front garden. SS didn’t deny this, yet did ask how HC could be a good Samaritan if he was able to get himself kicked out of a Cambodian prison and banned from entering that Kingdom for 3 years, as per the decree of Hung Sen (one of the most notorious and feared dictators in the world)…..now a united front with a common task of laying a live hare run, they jointly agreed (while sitting on the ice) to pre-lay the walkers trail and to focus on the run trail. HC said SS was too slow to make a decent live hare run, and SS rebutted that he’d simply let HC go ahead and make all the checks and false trails by himself……when today’s sole virgin asked what happened when if the live hares were caught, Gangreen answered ‘Get the banjo out and think, play and act as in the great movie ‘Deliverance’! The Dick family (Limp Dick, Don’t Be A Dick, etc:) was iced for having one of their kind finish first on today’s run, and Happy Survivor reminded EA that “When one Dick drinks and sits, all Dicks drink and sit!” Bubbles was iced by popular demand of the Thai girls, who wanted to see his bare ass; feeling frisky and the center of attention, Bubbles challenged HC to remember that Bubbles himself will lose another 20 lbs (he already has recently lost 20 lbs) in order to beat HC on a Hash run by the end of 2024. HC says this is pure ‘Fantasy’! It was also made known that Bubbles has a new girlfriend to help him lose that extra weight, whereupon SS opined ‘by making lots of Fuckie, Fuckie’!
The GM retook the Circle, as Shithead announced that Black Panther had nearly missed singing the down-down song and the drinking/wearing of beer for the umpteenth time. Milky Piss was iced for replacing Crap Thai on the Mismanagement Committee (a haven for Morons, Mongrels and Reprobates, according to the GM). Hash Heroes were next recognized, including Two Time and Dirt Looney for driving the Hash beer truck during VV’s 5 week absence in Belgium; Istanbullshit was also thanked for driving a too-drunken (unnamed) Hasher in his own car back to his home. We’re not sure how she got his home address; I guess we’ll never know! HC and GI Joe iced for not enforcing mandatory singing in the circle, as EA had demanded during his steward spot. The GM then reminded the Hash to drink and smoke w/o fanfare on the baht buses en-route to the ON ON ON, for last week a bunch of carousing, garrulous, raucous Hashers were stopped and warned by the Thai police to behave themselves and to stop drinking and smoking with abandon. Wanker of the Week candidates on the ice: Dick In The Dyke for losing her phone, Happy Survivor for asking Bubbles to ‘de-shirt’ himself halfway through the run so that she could ogle at his muscles; virgin Scot David Ross for visiting Amazing Thailand as a Sex Tourist and for leaving tomorrow morning on the first flight out to bonny Scotland – having been brought to the Hash by Noodles, that elicited a song, ‘Who The Fuck Is Noodles?’ and a double down-down for Ross, who says he’ll return; Arse Van Hole for asking to be taken to a bar ‘with other Belgians in it’; and lastly, Bubbles for ceding to Happy Survivor’s demand. To the victor went the Wanker of the Week toilet seat…..Arse Van Hole!
The Hares took over to Sing Us A Gang-Bang Song – Knock Knock – Who’s There?......and on it went to and through the Final Down Down song (led by Sperm Polluter and a group of Thai chicks summoned for the occasion) & the Swing Low, Sweet Chariot Hash Hymn.
With the beer trucks re-opened just long enough to grab 2 beers (or not 2 beers – that is the question!), the baht buses, jammed to the gills with happy Hashers, rolled off the A site and into the night, headed for further fun at the ON ON ON in Kubla Bar; more drinking, dancing, singing and feasting!
On On, Na Hee Man