Scribe Report Hash Sheet – Run 2052 – 25th June 2024
Hares – Seal Sucker, Herring Choker
Hash Flash – Spastic Whore King (Run) YMCA (Circle)
GM – The Wizard
As I limped to the baht bus I was greeted with the welcoming ‘getting your excuses in early are you’
This past week I had suffered from a number of ‘Elvis moments’ having misjudged some fried rice and crab leftovers, and later some slippery bathroom gymnastic (not of the good sort) and twisted my ankle to boot.
Thus, I had decided to explore the mysteries of The Beer Hunters for the first time on the hash. As I had felt a slight twinge of guilt about not running or even walking the first ‘live hare’ in living memory, I volunteered first to help with the sign in and then to scribe.
The A site was about 30 minutes away and seemed well situated, with the pleasant sounds of motorcross in the background the GM convened the circle
The hares and closest of friends Seal Sucker and Herring Choker explained the run markings, highlighting that as a live run and with a gentle breeze the ‘paper on the right’ might not always be there. The fact that this was a ‘live hare run’ and in itself a momentous challenge was not lost on me. Nor the massive head start of 9 minutes given to the hares by The Wizard, before the baying mob of hash runners pursed them. Spurred on by the GM with the riches of free runs I feared for the hare’s wellbeing.
New shoes were celebrated in the traditional way. As The Wizard tried to stall for time and give the hares distance.
But my adventure began early with the announcement by Gangreen, that there were new spaces available on the sacred beer baht bus, with trepidation I joined this marvellous group of men.
I cannot reveal the complete details or secret rites of the beer hunters, suffice to say the clue is in the name.
The conversations from this world wise group of men, ranged over many pertinent topics.
There was an informative discussion around medication for gout, which would benefit any sufferers.
Arse Van Hole was clearly the group eye candy with his magnificent pony tail (of the type not seen since circa 1992)
Emperor Airhead having arrived looking like robocop remained aloof with his eyes firmly on the prize of multiple ice cream treats avoiding all beer like a sainted monk.
Sister Fister Fuckwit put forward a compelling case for the use of a glass with ice in beer and the use of ‘raised pinkie’ when using the afore mentioned glass.
Really Sadistic Bastard enlightened the group with the Scottish cultural exchange which is usually pre-empted with ‘See you Jimmy’.
As I was the only Englishman present Irregular Period observed that ‘the English Bastard was drinking like a tart’ this I took to be a term of endearment that raised a tear in my eye.
There was even MAGIC yes MAGIC, a long protected sacred Viking spell shared by Colonel Cornhole with this same group, which preserved a beer once it had been shaked violently. A truly mesmerising spectacle to behold.
Before I knew it my time with this group was concluded and rather blurry eyed, we returned to the collective hash. I felt privileged to have been in the beer hunters’ company and could no longer feel anything yet alone the pain in my ankle.
The second circle shenanigans were begun by the GM
Those who were iced in no particular order
Hash Crashers – Snap, Crackle, Happy Survivor, General Kidney Wiper, Don’t Call Me Dick, Jackal
Hash Trash – a spiffy folding chair had been left behind last week but no one claimed it.
Hares – Seal Sucker and Herring Choker were sat on the ice whilst it was established that everyone enjoyed the route with supportive comments such as
‘the hares fucked up big time’ and ‘the first three K were ok ‘
The hare love was in full flow and the unshakable bond of brotherhood which these two hares exhibited to each other was humbling for all to witness
This time the corruption that is the raffle was managed by Hot Hope who failed to sell me a wining ticket
Winners – Mount Me, Drinks Like a Girl, Shy Tiger (2 yes TWO prizes), Cookie Monster, Dick In The Dyke, Fattus Maximus, Irregular Period (who won sunscreen very useful to the Scottish)
Emperor Airhead then took to the circle where he commended the close friendship and deep love shown by both hares to one another. Both Seal Sucker and Herring Choker had enjoyed this event so much they pledged to do another live hare run as soon as possible. Double Dutch Cunt’s secret birthday plans were revealed to all by Emperor Airhead in the hope of attracting as many balloon hunters as possible to the event.
The traitor’s day which is rebranded by my American cousins as 4th July Independence Day will be celebrated on 8th July hash with the world-famous hot dog cuisine (plastic optional) Those in the hot seat will be - Chuck the Fuck Up, Bubbles, Emperor Airhead, Necrophilia Nightrider (broken heart now mended) and any others with American heritage with the generous donation of their time and efforts for the good of the hash group collective.
Colonel Cornhole Family were welcomed back to the group after a 6-year absence and made to feel at home again by being sat on the ice. 2 of the 3 girls (Snap and Crackle) had plasters on their knees from hash crash which Pop had avoided
VV and Two Time were also sat down on the ice whilst it was established that VV had been truly miserable on his recent vacation and hated every minute of being separated from Two Time.
Mud Cracker and the two virgins who accompanied him Morgan and Martin were sat on ice and Mud Cracker was voted 45% good by his son Morgan
The GM then took back the circle and Emperor Airhead led (more like sang alone) the hare’s song ‘one eyed trouser snake’
Sperm Polluter was then given the circle, the following recognitions
Sick Of Steve – 50 runs, Herring Choker – 10 hares, Chuck The Fuck Up – 50 runs,
Panzer Fister – 5 hares, Limp Dick – 100 runs and Gin Tonic – 50 runs who returned to the fold last week after her Chinese Sabbatical
Both hares were then awarded the treasured PH3 hash pen and Seal Sucker was treated to a Hashy Happy Birthday ‘Fuck You’ and a tasty pie in the face treat.
Back to the GM for the circle on ice were
Disco Dick, Khun Pee Pee, Makes Me Come who had been absent since 2019, Red Dress Rodeo Cowboy (who complained ALOT that the ice was cold)
It seems that in his absence Khun Pee Pee may have suffered a lack of hash manners as he was put in the bucket for drinking his down down before the note was sung, not once but twice!
Virgin Ice - Dominic who was an all-round nice guy and even bought his own hash shirt, was accompanied by Morgan and Martin both were exposed for the shocking lie that is wearing unearned Monkey Hash shirts. Mud Cracker pleaded poverty due to the current crisis in his significant financial portfolio and justly put in the bucket
Wanker of The Week award on ice: -
Fattus Maximus, Sperm Polluter, and Arse Van Hole the clear winner was Fattus Maximus who admitted to being smashed in by a Ladyboy in the early hours one morning
Final Down Down and closure
On On - So Long, Farwell, Adieu Who the Fuck Am I
NB – I misplaced my favourite baseball cap, if anyone found it, I’d like it back and will pop 100 baht into Dirt Looney's jar of love as a thank you.