PH3 Run #2067 Spastic Whore King's Birthday Run / A Tale Of Two Cities
Prologue:
14.30 Pattaya: Hashers are assembling at Buffalo Bar for the 45 minute bus ride out to the BMX Park.
08.30 GMT Exeter: Some of my family are getting ready for the vigil, taking it in turns to watch my little brother die. They switched his life support off on Saturday while I was heading back from the Jungle Hash. That pretty much spoilt the On On party for me! He wasn't a hasher, but he definitely was a pisspot, so they say!!
15.45 A-Site: Four buses plus about 20 private cars and a couple of motorbikes are parked in front of the BMX Park. There are about 80 people here. Probably 50 men, mainly old farangs and about 30 ladies, mainly much younger Asians. There are a couple of girls too, Little Dragon and the newly named Cup Cake.
Act 1:
15.59 The GM calls the first circle and an oblique ellipse forms around the ice. Unfortunately no virgins this week, but a gobby Geordie told everyone he wasn't a virgin but was just visiting from China... see you later mate 555. No new shoes either... at least nobody owned up. There were the usual announcements, hareline is full, rags has a new Oktoberfest shirt coming for the next run, Gangreen invited anyone who fancied beer-hunting to get on a bus and Cannonball is doing a Chimps Bar Hop from Kubla at 6pm Wednesday, straight after the MMM at Hustlers!!
This is when the GM volunteered me as Hash Scribe. I haven't written more than a shopping list in 30 years... what was he thinking? VV was waving a new chair at me and I need a new chair so I accepted. Later I found out I only keep the pen and get a free run next week... maybe ten quids worth? I thought OK, I'll give it an hour... 4 hours later I was still taking notes 🤣
In came the hares to lie about the trail, 4km or 7.5km flat, blah blah blah. When sending a bunch of geriatric pissheads into the jungle it's only fair to give them a 50% plus chance of survival I think.
16.10 and we're off. With thunder rumbling in the distance we headed across the road and into the fields. I found myself at the rear with the "broom wagon" 3 Thai ladies picking up all the plastic rubbish and cans. I had The Smiths Girlfriend In A Coma playing over and over again in my head. I wasn't really concentrating on the trail but it really was pretty flat and considering the amount of rain this week surprisingly dry. Good for me limping my way around anyway.
At about 3km the girls shortcutted through a pineapple field instead of going all the way around it. Suddenly, we were back amongst the walkers and as we descended towards the road the FRBs came through. Herring Choker, Fleece Lifter, Shit On My Tits, Minnie Mouse and Shy Tiger. As I crossed the road it turned out the runners had messed up and missed the trail. We were all back together with only a few hundred meters left to go. Great job hares!! Most finished within the hour so the bar was open early with some great snacks to accompany the cold beers. Nice cheese by the way!
I found Gangreen and having spent 6 or 7 weeks with the beerhunters I asked if they had missed me. "Sorry, who are you?" was his reply 😪 Apparently Arse Van Hole had brought along a big bottle of tequila and they were all half pissed.
Food was served and Cookie Monster had prepared a lovely sweet n sour chiken dish for everyone. Thanks again hares!
Act 2:
18.21 GM calls for the second circle. This is the first time I can remember not a single hash crash being reported. Maybe those hares weren't lying after all?? So they got iced for setting an easy run 555.
Only one item of hash trash found... Fleece said it looked like a Cambodian sanitary towel, it was in fact just a fan. Shy Tiger was accused but claimed innocence and then snitched on Banana Rider. Ice ice baby!!
18.27 hares back on the ice and people were asked about the trail. Ball Ringer hasn't got a bad word to say about anyone, Knob Marley wasn't so nice 🤣, General Kidney Wiper said something in Scottish, Hairy Crack said it was OK for Belgians and Herring Choker was really missing Seal Sucker. Altogether a good job from the hares, cheers!
12.35 Exeter, my sister calls me and asks if I want to say goodbye to David. Well I'm a bit busy but.... I go to the front of the beertruck and shout at him "wake the f*** up you lazy ****, everyone is fed up with this now!" Janet says that wasn't quite what she was expecting and says goodbye.
Back in the circle and Hot Hope is our raffle hostess for the day. We call her F****** Hopeless in Pensri Bar because her language is worse than mine 😂 I missed most of the draw but looks like Testicles, Banana Rider, Farm Girl and Slug got the loot. Slug was on the ice for wearing his hat and holding his beer in the ring.
Emperor's Circle: Hares on the ice. Turns out Spastic and Emperor are both 72. I should start drinking that Heineken Zero and maybe do a bit more swimming!! Cookie Monster was praised for her cooking and Sick Of Steve was thanked for bringing "Steve City" to the hash.
The French were iced and Cup Cake was named and then Eating Monster was brought in. Turns out she runs a weed shop and is trying to sell a Soi 6 bar for her friend in the North Korean secret police... really?
Bubbles and Farm Girl were quizzed as to why she is beating him on the run now when he reckons he will be beating Herring Choker in the near future.
Two Pump Chump our visitor from China came in and said something in Mandarin and said we were all very nice but can't sing for shit.... see ya later! 🤣
GM's Circle: Hashy Birthday F*** You to SWK and a nice cake with only 5 candles to blow out. GM explains it's one candle for each year he has left.
Just "Tim" and that gobby **** are iced. 2 Pump is not wearing a hash shirt as he is "travelling light" GM lends him the one with the sewn up sleeves that he has just rinsed in the bucket and he takes a while to realise and finally gets bucketed. This will never get old 🤣 The GM says Pattaya Hashers aren't the brightest bunch and can barely sing the one song we've got. Then Fleece sang the He Sucks the Horses Penis song and the He's Alright, A Little Flat Chested song.
SKC, Herring Choker and Fleece iced for "leaning" apparently that's almost as bad as being caught sitting if you're not 70 plus.
Sperm Polluter's Circle: SKC was seen mollesting his wife, Casper, in the car!! Milky Piss was the snitch on this occasion.
Eating Monster was recognised for 50 runs with the PH3
Fleece's Circle: GM, Dragon and Little Dragon iced for not even leaving the A-Site. Lazy f******!
GM invites the hares back on the ice and tells General Kidney Wiper to make the hares song snappy as we are running late... GKW obliged by doing 15 verses of Sex Is Boring and getting the whole circle singing. What do you think now 2 Pump?
Spermy picks the hares, visitors and Ball Ringer for the final down down. GM says we should skip that as we need to finish up but everyone is already holding a beer 😂 so we have The Final Down Down after all. After the hash hymn I check my phone. David has just passed away. Maybe while we were doing that final down down. Sad times!
GM opens the Eskies for one for the road.
Epilogue:
There's a mad dash for the buses and a race back to town for the On On at Pothole Bar. Last time we went there One Shot ate the whole buffet 🤣 Can't think of a better crowd to be with under the circumstances. Thanks to all those who put up with me. Cheers!!
On On to Oktoberfest and On Up little brother (or maybe he'll go the other way???)
Fattus Maximus