Monty Python's OktoberfestHash Circus
A work of schadenfreude by Fattus Maximus (and friends)
Cast:
The Wizard as John Cleese, Basil Fawlty and God Almighty
The Hares as The Germans
One Shot as Mr Creosote
VV as Mr Wensleydale
The Emperor as Himself
Fattus Maximus as Brave, Bold Sir Robin of Camelot
Everyone else as Extras
15.55 First Circle. Basil is goosestepping around the Germans who are already on the ice, he has mentioned the war a couple of times but I think he got away with it.
They are all surrounded by old men in lederhosen and beautiful young beer wenches in their drindls. Oktoberfest has begun...
A bird flutters into the circle and perches on Stupid Kraut C***'s shoulder, Mamasans Big Boy bites it's head off and throws it in the bucket. It looks like a Norwegian blue to me, an ex-Norwegian blue! Beautiful plumage!!
After the hares briefing we are off on the Olympic final of the 5 mile cross country hash for those with little or no sense of direction. This might take some time I thought as the field ran off in every which way looking for paper. I chose the shorter trail accompanied by my band of merry minstrels. Unfortunately the ground was a little bit slippy after the recent shower so I bravely quit at the earliest opportunity. 🤣 To my left more mud and hills. To my right a paved road and the safety of the A-site... No-brainer 🤣
Bravely bold Sir Robin
Rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.
He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
And his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir Robin.
His head smashed in
And his heart cut out
And his liver removed
And his bowls unplugged
And his nostrils raped
And his bottom burnt off
And his penis... ( I'd probably draw the line there! 🤣)
"That's, that's enough music for now lads, there's dirty work afoot."
Brave Sir Robin ran away.
("No!")
Bravely ran away away.
("I didn't!")
When danger reared it's ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
("I never!")
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
("You're lying!")
Swiftly taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat.
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!
It was too slippery!!!
Back at the A-site Mr Wensleydale is packing up his Cheese Emporium. Where's all the cheese gone VV? "Mr Creosote ate it all, he must've been a little peckish" 🤬
17.02 FRBs are back Anal Acrobat, Don't Call me Dick! Farm Girl, then Herring Choker and Bubbles!! Go Farm Girl whoop whoop!
Time for snacks and then the main event... what's on the menu please beer wenches?
Mountain Flower says today we have spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam spam, sausage, sauerkraut, spuds, spam, spam and spam. I change my sausage and sauerkraut for extra spam.... I f***in' love spam!! 🎵 Spam spam spam spam wonderful spam marvellous spam! 🎵 Mr. Creosote is queueing up for sevenths...
18.14 Basil orders a second circle and the cast oblige. Hash hush!! Hash Crashes? Herring Choker was "pushed" (by Bubbles I bet 🤣), Eating Monster "it was velly slippelly! Ging Gang Goolies tripped over his goolies and Don't Call me Dick owed us one from last week... Bucket!
Hash Trash? A PH3 stubby with Street Cleaner's name on it. A baseball cap, unclaimed but awarded to Car Licker for talking too much (Bucket!) and a bag of dirty used condoms which Gangreen blamed on Cranky Yank who wasn't even there. 🤣
Germans on the ice! Well, ONE German and seven stand-ins... where are all the Germans? Hairy Crack "bunch of quitters!" Turns out SKC was the "brains" behind the event, VV, Spermy and Milky Piss laid trail and the Norwegians/Hungarians fed us all. Good job well done guys!! Good trail for midgets said YMCA, I'm a midget so it were alright for me said Muff Designher, kept having Swamp flashbacks said Fingerless. Short and juicy said Happy Survivor, excellent said Bubbles and GI Joe summed it up... great trail! At this point Basil lost it... "shut the f*** up!!" Fair warning Fat Ass!!
Sexy raffle time... one, sex, sex, sex, sex giggled Black Panther... only joking 🤣 Winners were two Thai ladies who went for detergent liquid and shampoo/conditioner twin pack, a very happy Happy Survivor red wine, Slug whisky, Car Licker olive oil, Hairy Crack sex pillow and I Got Crabs 3 pack of big beers. Lucky bastards!!
Emperor's Circle (just a quick one today)
Germans iced and congratulated on their 15th PH3 Oktoberfest Run. An almost German-free event on this occasion 🤣
Here's to the hares, they are blue!!
SLAP, Paprika Smiley, I Got Crabs iced, Dingo Ate My Baby straight in the bucket. On a recent Malaysian Red Dress Run he was arrested and made front page news for being a tranny! 😂🤣😂 Nice work Dingo!! Pretty sure that's a rule 6 infringement too... No poofters!
Basil's Circle: Street Cleaner in the bucket for sitting down under the legal age of 70 AGAIN! Two virgins were asked how they enjoyed their day... they both loved it. Basil made a joke about whisky, 12 years old with a little coke which I didn't get 😂
SKCs Circle... the main event of the Oktoberfest evening! No expense spared on the raffle with 6 lucky bastards walking away with loot comprising of the finest champagne, a box of crackers, a Snickers bar, a bag of Haribos and a beer stubby. All chucked in a Hertha Berlin plastic bag. Wow!!! Winners were I Got Crabs, Bubbles, Street Cleaner, Sick of Steve, Jackal and She's The Boss. Happy Survivor also picked up a T-shirt for picking up the most beer mats along the trail.
Tug o' War... semi finals England 1 Germany 0 and Hares 0 USA 1
The Grand Final and England pull USA uphill to take the prize. USA put in a protest as they were standing in a bog but it landed on deaf ears 😂🤣 Rule 1... GM is ALWAYS right!
Miss Oktoberfest World ❤️❤️❤️ first prize of 500 baht goes to Black Panther, 2nd prize 300 baht Mountain Flower and 3rd with 100 baht Nan from Teacher's Lounge. Phwoooarrrrr!
Basil back in the ring. All those responsible for the banquet are called in to take a bow. All the hares, Teacher's Lounge staff and 2 ladies from Kronberg who helped out with the stuff the hares couldn't be arsed with. Hash hush!!! The Wizard glares at Fat Ass for the second time and the Big Foot Of Buddha comes out of the sky and hammers him into the ground like a carpet tack. He's not finished yet... "Who ate all the f***ing cheese?" he yells. Silence.... he walks over to Mr Creosote who is looking a little sheepish. He places a waffer thin slice of cheddar on his tongue and BOOM! Mr Creosote just exploded showering the circle with bits of his last supper.
Basil now appears much calmer and he calls on the hares to sing us a song.... with only 12 months to prepare they came up with Ein Prosit, which is at most a down down song. Get on the ice you twats!
Eskies closed, final down down, Hash hymn and one for the road... time to clean up and go go go!
I fished the parrot out of the bucket. It would make a tasty snack for the ride back to town. As I walked to the bus I passed Mr Creosote with his guts hanging out of his.big belly and Fat Ass, still buried up to his neck next to the beer truck. See you at Kubla later guys!! What a great day! A great day out and nobody died. Nobody important anyways... oh, except that bleedin' parrot 🤣😂
The End
On On to the next one. Beat that if you can future hares... a big thank you to this week's team of hares and wenches and all those behind the scenes who give up their time to make these days so special! Cheers all!
Fattus Maximus