The hares Beetroot Head, Panzer Fister and Chanida laid a remarkable run trail (8+ km) and walk loop (4+ km) that wended their way through flat farmland (pineapple, date palms, tapioca, & rubber), verdant jungle, and across and along sandy/muddy streambeds. Water levels were higher than expected, given how little rain has fallen in the past few weeks; no harm was done, as the kennel splashed its circuitous paths in chasing down the cold, cold beer that drowned the thirst of all who made the effort (including the Beer Hunters) to return to the A-site…..all arriving before dark!
Disco Dick was thrown on the ice for tampering with VV’s newly engineered and installed hash circle lighting system, and hash crash helmets went to the half-dozen hashers who tumbled en route and thus ended up on ice. Hot Hope wiped out, supposedly due to menstrual cramps, and Scar with 2 T's was convinced that Knob Marley, by brandishing his ‘3rd leg’ love member & dragging it in the sand, somehow managed to get it between Scar’s legs to trip him up…..go figure! The excuses of Womb Broom, Bikini Bandit and Sperm Bank were less enlightening, and the GM asked the hares who had the perspicacity to combine German efficiency with British cunning in laying such a grand trail? Thai female virgin - hare hasher Chanida was given said credit, as was her due.
Trail opinions were all positive (even Fleece Lifter’s query as to the whereabouts of the supposed ‘on-trail’ cattle…..), including the Wizard of Oz’s (GM) statement that he had become lost because some of the hanging paper was ‘laid backward’…..he wasn’t sure that he was actually lost until he ran into Cannonball, either coming or going from/to the other direction!
The raffle was done by hasher Black Panther: ie ‘28810’ “Number 2! 8! 8! Number 1! Number 0!”
Nobody really cares who won what on the raffle, save for the Thai girls who happen to win…..and those Thai girls who lost and really wanted to win! Having said that, only farang hashers won every prize, save for one Thai female hasher, who won the last…..
Emperor Airhead iced the hares and extolled the virtues of the circle's location as being ‘a taste of real, rural Thailand’. When he verified that Chanida had also chosen such a perfect place, he also learned that she had met Panzer Fister just some days ago on Tinder and had today re-connected via Tinder to enjoy haring the hash event; EA made sure she understood that, as a hasher, she can in the future come hashing alone or with Tinder dates and/or friends of whatever gender! With gender being the hot issue here on the non-woke, politically incorrect Hash (which is also not a democracy and run by fiat by the GM), EA invited Disco Dick and his German boyfriend hasher (Flying Dick Truck Fucker) into the circle & on the ice to jointly entwine themselves in a rare HHH ‘Rule #6, No Poofters’ hash T-shirt (sized XXXL to accommodate both of these gay heroes/heroines); this was a classic scene from a bizarre rendition of ‘Queer Quasimoto Siamese Twins, both of them being queer together’ …..they were forced by EA to divulge their salacious behavior at the recent Chiangmai ‘Cherry Breaker’ HHH event, where DD admitted that he awakened with a hard-on which wasn’t his own!
EA then launched into a respectful description of all the hard work that goes into being the ‘raffle organizer’, as it requires hours of volunteer shopping to source and buy discounted items so that the raffle remains profitable and enjoyable in a win-win arrangement. That done, he called the Thai female hasher ‘raffle organizer’ into the circle, gave her a beer and told her to ‘fuck off out of my circle’.
His next victim was the new Dutch hasher, Two Lips, who thought her name was ‘Tulips’. She begged for a name change, and EA acquiesced, yet not before explaining to her that the hash version of her as ‘Two Lips’ was a vision of ‘two lips on a cunt’ (i.e. ‘a vestige of her under-unit’) and not that of a typical Dutch flower. EA’s compromise was, as the RA, and by the power so vested in him, to name her ‘Black Tulip’ – all was well with what seemed to end well!
With Ferry Queen (‘no more money, no more honey’…..for now!) departing for Canada tomorrow, EA iced him, along with Stupid Kraut Cunt, simply to remind them that both had been personally trained by EA in ways of becoming and being ‘consummate swordsmen’. With EA admitting that his brain was running out of his nose, his penultimate charge was to honor VV in completing his 10-year contract as the PH3 beer truck steward/driver/organizer; every Monday for 10 years! Now he can go on Hash tour and will often be a ‘virgin visitor VV’ – as he soon will be in attending HIV’s Boondocket Hash near Subic Bay PI…..
EA closed down by naming the virgin hare Chanida, who, despite all her new-found popularity amongst drunken, middle-aged, randy male hashers, didn’t seem to drink much, and so came away as “Mai Mao!” (Not Drunk!).
Scar welcomed the Virgins, who all said they’d again do the Hash…..maybe! One of these virgins was iced, along with his mate HIV, who had slipped the virgin a large down-down bottle of Chang beer while enjoying the Circle entertainment.
Revisiting the Circle’s ‘gay evening theme, Disco Dick and Truck Dick Fucker German were re-thrown on the ice and re-bucketed for “exhibiting inappropriate etiquette”. No Hope was iced for elbowing his way through a line of on-trail hashers stalled at a slippery stream embankment; Scar re-positioned him into the bucket for not being overly (if at all) contrite for this misdemeanor…..
After a Happy Birthday song (Hashy Birthday, Fuck You!) and cake for 49-year old Telly Tubby, the GM summoned the hares to sing from the Circle: they duly elected Gangreen, who led the song that had been concocted by the Beer Hunters…..
“No beating around the bush, I’m a back door kind of guy; I like it in the pooper; Hey Man, be a trooper; Drive me down the Hershey highway; I need my stool to hit my pancreas; shut up and put your rooter in my pooper…..”
The Circle closed after the ‘Final Down Down’, led by Sperm Polluter, the two Pooftahs, Virgin and sponsor HIV, and Milky Piss and also the traditional ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’.
The On On On at Kubla Bar featured bucket upon bucket of cold, cold beer, plenty of great Thai comfort food, and some inspired karaoke & chanting, including the Scandihooligan epithet:
“Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Swing A Hot Potato Up Your Arse, Hey Skal!!!!!”
On On Na Hee Man – December 4, 2024