FIELD SCRIBE REPORT:
THE GREAT SHINY-SKIN STAMPEDE
Macaque Huay Yai Jungle division
Date: The Sun is Directly Overhead and It’s Sweaty
Subject: Observations of Hairless Primates Screaming in the Undergrowth
1. MISSION OVERVIEW
For many moons, our canopy has been invaded by a specific subspecies of "Shiny-Skin" primates. These creatures do not forage for fruit, nor do they groom each other with any level of competence. Instead, they engage in a ritual known as the "Hash Run." I have spent the last three hours tailing them from the safety of the Rubber Tree branches to determine if they are a threat or just deeply confused.
2. CORE OBSERVATIONS
A. The White Paper Mystery
The ritual begins when a "Hare" (a primate wearing even brighter, tighter skins) attach hanging white paper to branches or suitable flora. My initial assessment was that this was a salt lick or perhaps a very dry fungus. Upon further inspection via a "taste-and-spit" test, it is merely tasteless odourless processed tree bark. The others follow this trail like ants, but with significantly less grace.
B. The Vocalisations
Unlike the dignified "Hoo-Hoo" of our hairy people, the Hash Runners emit a series of rhythmic, panicked barks:
"ON-ON!": – "I have found the white paper and I am very excited about it."
"CHECK!": – "I am lost and my pride is wounded."
"ARE YOU?": – "I have forgotten where I am and require validation."
C. Locomotion Failure
These primates are remarkably bad at being in the jungle. I witnessed one Alpha male attempting to navigate over small vine with great difficulty. The hairless Primate tripped over a this vine that has been there for six years. He performed a face-first descent into the mud. I laughed so hard I dropped my fermented durian. He did not see the humour.
3. THE "DOWN-DOWN" CEREMONY
The most baffling part of the report involves the post-run gathering. The primates gather in a circle—much like we do for the evening hootenanny—but instead of sharing lice-picking duties, they sit on ice blocks.
1. The Ice Block: They force individuals to sit on frozen water. This is clearly a punishment for being slow.
2. The Yellow Liquid: They consume a fermented grain beverage that makes them even worse at walking than they were during the run.
3. The Singing: Their songs are loud, off-key, and lack the complex tonal depth of a gibbon's morning call.
4. QUANTITATIVE DATA (APPROXIMATE)
Activity. Percentage of
Walking 10%
Running 10%
Looking for white paper. 20%
Standing up after falling 10%
Drinking 50%
5. CONCLUSION
The Hash Runners are not a threat to our fruit supply. They are too busy looking at the ground to see the low-hanging papayas. They appear to be a tribe of primates who have forgotten how to climb and are trying to make up for it by wearing neon colours and yelling at clumps of grass.. .
Recommendation: We should continue to put up with their Jungle antics for our amusement and continue to leave small vines over the canopy floor.
"On-On" Milky Piss