Live Hare Run, with Hares being Boring Wanker, Candy Fanny, Shit On My Chest & Mud Cracker
And so it was that Hash Crashes were non-existent on today’s running & walking trails, save for Happy Survivor, who suffered a broken arm on the trail; word has it that she is in good care and is well-healing…..
The Live Hares had an 8 – minute head start, and were iced to answer the GM’s (Wizard of Oz) following queries: To Boring Wanker (who laid the walk paper)…..why did you use hanging paper for the walk, when it would have been easier for you to use shredded paper on-the-ground (and hence less likely to get caught by the walking pack)?.....and why did you set back checks with blue wooden X marks instead of parallel sticks, as normal? Unmemorable, insufficient answers from typically boring Boring Wanker landed him in the bucket, where he lounged, as we learned that She’s The Boss was able to not only help rescue his arm-injured wife (Happy Survivor) on trail, but also to catch Boring Wanker (a Live Hare pissing about with stapling hanging paper to palm fronds).
The remaining Live Hares (who jointly laid the runners trail); rather than vilified (as Boring Wanker was!), were summarily iced and robustly accoladed by the Circle for a job well done; miraculously, no Hashers took umbrage with the Live Hares’ snide comments hanging here & there along the trailside: (You’re Too Slow; Can’t You Go Faster?; Your Legs Aren’t Working Well!, etc:).
Raffle winners were Velcro Dick (a bottle of Gilbeys Gin); a Thai chick (a bottle of red wine); a German Lady (a hash T-shirt); another Thai chick (a bottle of Thai whisky); Ball Ringer (a tin of Danish cookies); Sunshine (a portable, battery-powered, cooling fan); Candy Fanny (a few HHH back packs in various colors); and Minnie Mouse (an insect-frying racket!).
Emperor Airhead iced and congratulated all Hares for their diligence in persuading/convincing the Muslim land owners (who live adjacent to our lager site) to grant permission to our HHH group for its use. As the baht buses arrived to the lager around 3 pm, the afternoon prayer of Asr was completed via a voice-generated series of minor musical key entreaties to Allah, piped through a nearby PA system.
With the Circle in full swing, Emperor Airhead, in a soliloquy of limited subtlety (just as the Maghrib sunset prayer was finishing), talked us down memory lane to recall the inaugural usage of this same lager land plot, way-back-when in 1986; this historic HHH event was supposedly also a ‘Live Hare’ endeavor, on which the Emperor was one of the Hares. He pondered the irony of the then-situation, wherein a local Thai Muslim land-owner neighbor family (none of whom neither drank nor smoked weed) allowed an enough-raucous HHH kennel to drink booze, smoke doobies and sing/chant vulgar ditties & slogans at decibel levels ‘out of bounds’ from the auspices of any taste, regardless of how foul! At least we can take some solace from the fact that, back in 1986 and also now, some cash was proffered and accepted to consummate the ‘rental’ arrangement. The final coup de grace of this story was the Emperor’s sharing of the fact that the above-referenced 1986 HHH event was also part & parcel of the 1986 InterHash celebration in Pattaya; the Live Hares barely succeeded in not getting caught on trail by the chasing pack, as they had cleverly hidden a motorcycle in the bushes close to the Lager. They rode into the Lager site with just a few short moments to spare…..
Necrophelia Nightrider recently had a tough week, yet the story supporting it is too good to exonerate him from being iced. After his latest girlfriend broke up with (and left) him and after he smashed his car soon thereafter, he was seen last week partying his ass off in the Soi 6 girly bars. That same evening, he purportedly ‘lost his wallet’ while dining at the MK Restaurant near to Soi 6. It appears that, once he went through the hassle of replacing all his credit & debit cards, his most current girlfriend moved back in with him; well done, NN!
Brotherly Love was iced for buying a brand-spanking new Chinese motorcycle, on which he immediately replaced the exhaust system to render his ‘Chopper from China’ even louder & more obnoxious than when it rolled off the showroom floor…..
Sir Wanda (HHHer since 1989) and Na Hee Man (HHHer since 1999) were iced by Emperor Airhead for being avid, long-time Hashers (and both having the Phuket HHH as their Mother Hash) with over 64 years of combined Hashing; ‘Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, When I’m 64!’. In this conversation, Airhead was designated as the luckiest of Pattaya hashers, having been and still being domiciled in the TQ bar through many nefarious yet excellently debauched years!
Slug and Pussy Galore were icily serenaded away (‘Fuck Off, You Cunts!’) back to Australia, while Airhead shared a story of a Thai Bar Girl who also got serenaded away to Oz by a holiday-making Aussie miner whom she had met in a den of ill-repute at Pattaya (surprise, surprise & imagine that!). His wooing efforts were assisted by sharing sightseeing photos of Sydney’s tourist attractions with her. Upon her arrival to Sydney, she was spirited away to the outback hinterlands of AUS and apparently moved into a cave encrusted with Opal semi-precious stones…..and the Emperor must have himself been stoned to bring this bizarre tale to mind!
The GM, Wizard Of Oz, iced the Virgins, who deemed Hashing favorable and who said they would return; possible-proof-in-the-pudding of their supposed exuberance was the presence of last week’s Virgins, who were already back and enjoying themselves.
Hash Awards were handed out to: Mudcracker (5 hared runs since 2008!); Don’t Call Me A Dick! (100 runs); Brotherly Love (100 runs); Kilt Lifter (50 runs since 2011); and Dirt Looney (500 runs, who was described by the GM as ‘irascible’ (an adjective that means having a hot temper and being easily angered or provoked into irritation. It is used to describe someone who is quick-tempered and has little patience)!)…...of course, we know that Dirt Looney exhibits these behavioral traits on only the rarest of justified occasions & situations!
Retroactive Actions were deemed ice-able offenses by the GM, who levied such upon Spastic Whore King (for winning the recent PH3 cross-dressing contest via the very able help of his wife Cookie Monster for dollying him up to the utmost degree); Whore In The Window for admitting that he doesn’t know how to operate the GPS function on his Garmin wristwatch; Shit On My Chest for an infraction explained away in a Northern English accent that no one could follow; and Boring Wanker to retain the ongoing dubious, continuing title of Wanker Of The Week…..
Stupid Kraut Cunt, soon to be away to Germany for some weeks of summer, iced all the Germans and asked them to translate select key words that he provided them. All the Germans proved that they were remarkably inept at this task, as they were able to translate precisely NO words into English language!
SKC told a joke: “How do you know when your marriage has truly gone sour in a serious way? When you ask your wife, “Do you mind not talking when I’m having a wank?!?”.
The Hares were requested to Sing A Song in the Circle and were iced for a particularly poor rendition (led by Candy Fanny) of the Thai Love Song, ‘DO DO DO DO TER TAM’.
In predictable fashion, the Circle was closed upon completion of ‘The Final Down Down’ and ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’ choral efforts, as led by select Hashers with booming voices (among them being that of visiting Hasher (from Tidewater, Virginia, USA Hash), ‘Robbin The Soap’!
Na Hee Man